I’ve been having a lot of breakthroughs around how I relate to my partners and how I want to show up for them and myself.
Speaking of breakthroughs… it’s been 5 years since I started writing my blog.
Wow! Happy blog day to me! I can’t believe I’ve been bearing my heart almost weekly for the past 5 years. I’ve had so much powerful clarity from this beautiful outlet and feel grateful that I’ve been able to share so deeply for so long.
Recently I’ve taken a step back from the super vulnerable shares. It just doesn’t feel as authentic as it used to. Sometimes it’s helpful to keep shit to ourselves. In a world where we share so much of ourselves so often, discernment feels important.
That being said I really wanted to share this awareness with you…
I’ve realized that a lot of the tangled moments I have with my partners comes from my struggle with self regulating. This means in moments where I feel triggered or imbalanced in my nervous system I find it difficult to get back to a more balanced state on my own.
I absolutely can take care of myself but it feels difficult and if my partner is in front of me, then I try to get these needs met through them usually by needing to talk whatever it is I’m feeling to death.
Sometimes this is helpful but other times it’s a drain for both of us and boundaries are pushed or neglected.
What I’ve come to understand is that in those moments there may be a more effective way for me to feel safe and connected (which ultimately are my needs in those moments) and that it can still involve my partner.
Perhaps it’s a long, nourishing hug or cuddle or maybe just it’s expressing the feeling and stopping there. Coregulation (finding that nervous system regulation together) can be an effective tool but it can’t replace our ability to support and take care of ourselves.
This is really more nuanced shit but makes a difference in how we relate in our relationships.
In a recent post @patricialamastherapy (on Instagram) was just talking about how we can be more reactive in our romantic relationships because they become our primary attachment figures, which mirror our childhood attachment figure (aka our parents or caretakers).
So yeah. It can be tough, especially when we are projecting our stuff onto our partners. Sometimes we need to remind ourselves that our partners are NOT our parents. Again and again.
But I find that whenever I’m trying to get something from one of my partners and it feels like a struggle that it’s a VERY good moment to stop, take a breath and consider what I can give myself and how I can take care of myself.
This act of compassion. Of love. For myself. This is the greatest gift I can give to myself and to my partners as well. Our own sovereignty sets us and our relationships free.
Thank you for being on this journey with me. Thank you for seeing and hearing me. It’s been an amazing 5 years and I know that writing this blog as been a big part of my evolution. Thank you.
My next big project coming up soon takes my breakthroughs from the focus and puts it on others. I’ll still be writing but I’m really excited to share what I have coming this fall…