Healing the Invisible Scars of My Emotionally Abusive Relationship

From the the ages of 21-24 I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. 

It was controlling. It was manipulative. It was withholding.

Little by little it tore away at my soul.

When I first met him I was taken by him.

He could captivate a crowd in the center of a dance circle with back flips and spins he taught himself how to do.

He was an artist through and through.

He made me feel lucky that he picked me.

He was alluring. And shiny. And so very very broken.

And in time he broke me too.

The story I am about to share with you is one I never thought would come out of my heart, through my fingers and onto this blog.

But never say never.

Last week a dam broke.

This story came flooding out of me in tears the size of raindrops and sobs that shook me to my toes.

So now I am sharing it with you. Because this is the best way for me to release it.

But also because I know there are many of you who need to hear it. For reasons I may not even begin to understand…

I was 21 years old. I had just finished working backstage for the Vagina Monologues and many of my restaurant friends had come to see the show.

Afterwards we headed to a loud and ridiculous bar named Hammerheads in Northeast Philly. Lots of my fellow servers where there.

My boyfriend was not. He was working.

At one point in the night I snuck away into the back room to call him. His voicemail popped on and I left a message.

As I entered back into the chaos there stood my boyfriend, eyes slanted and sneer of disapproval plastered on his face while I greeted him with a flood of smiles and surprise.

He wanted to know why I was in the back room. Who I was with. What I was doing.

This is probably a good time to tell you a bit more about our dynamic. I will do so with another quick story…

One night after a show my boyfriend performed in, we went to a diner with one of his friends. While my boyfriend flirted with other girls, I sat and laughed with his friend.

I must have laughed too loud and perhaps flirted too much because the next day he ignored me. He banished me. I was completely exiled.

I begged to get back into his light. I wallowed. I fed his jealousy, our codependency and all of the unhealthy nonsense that followed.

In simple terms, my boyfriend was wildly jealous and horribly insecure.

Back to the bar and that night…

He accused me of talking to one of the guys we worked with. A guy who apparently had a crush on me.

Matters escalated as they tend to when jealousy and alcohol are involved and the ugliness bled out into the street and eventually back to his apartment.

My best friend at the time and I went back there to wait for him.

He came back with a girl he had spent hours in the past telling me how much he cared for, almost dated and once kissed.

I was enraged. I was drunk. I was so very very ugly.

My boyfriend and I wound up in the stairwell of his apartment.

In my hands I held a picture he drew for me as a Christmas present the year before.

It was caricature of the two of us. But he was standing larger in front of me. And I was smaller behind him.

It always bothered me.

So I smashed it on the ground.

He watched me.

Then I dropped to me knees, picked up a large shard of glass, looked him in the eye and dragged it across the left side of my throat.

I can still see my eyes in that moment. Even though really I couldn’t actually see my eyes. But I could see my eyes reflected in his eyes.

They were crazed. Wild. Unhinged.

I don’t think I was trying to kill myself. I don’t know how hard I pressed. I was so very drunk my body was numb to the sensation.

I think I was simply trying to make a statement in the most harmful and dramatic way possible.

It only left a scratch. It didn’t even draw blood.

I don’t know if this is because the piece of glass I picked up was dull or I didn’t press that hard. But I consider myself quite lucky.

But either way. I did this.

I stayed in that relationship for over 2 more years.

Finally I got out. But the scars remain. And last week I released a very big piece of this.

A piece I didn’t even realize I needed to let go of.

And honestly my healing around this has come in layers.

For years I didn’t even realize I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. I didn’t even know that was a thing.

The thing about emotionally abusive relationships is that they are insidious and most of the time you can’t see the marks they leave. But they are incredibly damaging.

So I write this not just for me but for anyone who has ever experienced something like what I just shared.

I write this so that you may see the women I am today and know that healing and self love and self respect are possible.

I write this so that you may know that an amazing and loving and healthy relationship is available to you.

I write this because I am no longer ashamed of it.

I’ve set myself free.

I’ve forgiven myself.

If you know someone who needs to read this please be sure to send it their way.

If you need to reach out I am here. Just leave a comment or message me on Facebook.

And don’t worry. I am a fast and fierce healer. If I am writing about something on here it is because I am ready to let it go.

Finally, it was time.

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