I’ve Held This Secret for 9 Months and Now it’s Time to Tell

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I’ve never been good at keeping my own secrets.

If this blog has told you anything, it’s that I like to be honest and transparent.

But there is something about my life I have been keeping only to myself, my partner and my closest friends.

Sometimes we can’t spill everything all at once. And certainly not until we are ready and grounded and steady.

Now I am all of these things. And so is my partner.

And we are both in agreement that it’s time for me to write about it.  So here I go…

Nine months ago my beloved partner (now fiance’) Nick and I opened up our relationship.

Now this can mean different things to different people. So let me get a bit more specific.

Nick and I have chosen a different relationship model (often identified as an open relationship or Polyamory) in which we engage with other people outside of our relationship in a very conscious and consensual way.

We keep these other relationships separate from our own but still talk about them to each other in a way that works for each of us.

This isn’t just about sex for us. Although for some it is and that is perfectly ok too.

For us it’s about connection and passion and pleasure and fun.

It’s about feeling a spark of newness and excitement that meeting someone new brings.

For me it’s also about going on fun dates and meeting new people and wearing cute dresses and feeling desired in a new and different way.

And I now know it’s also about so much healing.

But for you to fully understand, I need to go back a bit…

About this time last year I had a crazy dream.

There were two guys (totally fictitious)- Don and Jay.

Both were ridiculously sexy and very interested in me.

Don was a writer and Jay was well, I was don’t know what he did for a living but it didn’t matter. Our chemistry was so palpable I can still feel it as I write this.

Again, totally fictional but still very real.

In this dream I knew both men wanted me and they knew I wanted them. It was all out in the open and totally cool.

I woke from that dream and kept it going. For hours and then days I explored the world of Jay and Don.

At times I felt excited and at others I felt wildly guilty. It felt like I was cheating even though these dudes were figments of my imagination.

My mind danced with questions like: should I be desiring these men as I much as I am?? Does this mean I don’t love my partner as much as I thought I did? Are we not having enough sex??

And on and on.

Finally the dream/fantasy broke and spilled into real life with sexy and powerful results between Nick and I.

I processed it with my best friend and we dug up some of the fears of this fictional story.

 I had so much shame around even thinking of opening my relationship that I couldn’t even consider doing it with a real person. I first had to explore and process through fictional characters.

I now know that this was a safe way for me to work out my guilt, shame and fear around this very unconventional and stigmatized way of being in relationship.

But this didn’t all come from no where. Nick and I had been playing with the idea of opening our relationship for a few years.

Someone very close to us told us that they were in an open relationship. I love and respect this someone so deeply that instead of getting judgmental I became curious.

This curiosity led to many conversations. Some playful and casual, some deep and serious.

Throughout the years I’ve also tested my boundaries with Nick.

I came from a very emotionally abusive relationship at in my early twenties and this molded me into thinking that desiring another person in any way was wrong.

For many years even a simple attraction felt like cheating.

Every time something like this came up (like in my first blog post) and I shared it with Nick, he would help me to dismantle these fear-based beliefs.

Until one day we were ready.

It was a Tuesday afternoon in September and I came home from a morning of teaching.

I was thinking about someone I went roller skating with that Sunday.

He was a guy I very much wanted a friendship with. I met him months before in a coffee shop where he worked and then our paths crossed again in a very auspicious way.

I communicated that I was in a relationship but would like to be friends.

But on that Tuesday afternoon it all crystalized.

I was ready to try opening up our relationship.

I came home and told Nick.

We stood in our kitchen as guilt and fear flooded my body.

Nick remained calm.

We spent hours processing and unpacking and feeling.

Then when we returned from vacation I talked to the guy I was interested in and we began a relationship that was very similar to dating.

The relationship lasted a few months and resulted in deep heartbreak like I had never experienced before. But now months later we actually have the friendship I originally wanted with him.

Nick also began engaging in his own relationships and we continued to talk and unpack and find ways of communicating that worked for both of us.

And over the past 9 months Nick and I have had our lives and our relationship transformed many times over and over and over.

I can easily say I have never experienced more growth and transformation as I have with this.

So many truths, some excruciatingly painful and some wildly delightful have risen to the surface.

Like dealing with my fear of abandonment that stems back to my childhood and seems to play out with certain men I meet.

Or both Nick and I dealing with our own insecurities as we put ourself back out there to be seen and experienced and judged by other people.

But also I have never felt more sexually alive.

I am more orgasmic than I have ever been.

I have released so much guilt and shame.

Nick says he sees me with new eyes.

Our relationship has never been stronger.

Our already fulfilling sex life has been reborn and ignited with passion and exploration and fun like never before.

And I am finally exploring fantasies and kinks I kept in the dungeon of my mind for many years.

In a nut shell, this has been the most amazing experience of my life.

But also the most challenging by far.

And I know you may be thinking good for you but I could never do that.

This is exactly what I said 7 years ago when dating a man who wanted to have an open relationship with me.

We went back and forth as I tried to “fix” him.

Now I see he wasn’t broken. He was just trying things a different way.

This lifestyle certainly isn’t for everyone. But neither is monogamy. We are just conditioned to believe that there is only one way to be.

If teaching yoga for the past 14 years has taught me anything it’s that we need to let go of who we think we are and continuously open ourselves up to who we are becoming. 

Nick and I are made for this. We just are.

This kind of relationship takes raw communication but also healthy and firm boundaries.

It takes coming face to face with your insecurities and fears and owning your shit over and over again.

It takes a deep understanding of jealousy as you realize that it’s only an emotion and doesn’t need to consume you.

It takes consciousness at a level above and beyond (and that’s a lot coming from me).

It takes constantly stripping away years of conditioning around what a happy, healthy and successful long term relationship should look like.

But most of all it takes courage.

And trust.

Trust in your partner.

Trust in yourself.

I see how Nick and I have navigated the, at times, rough waters of this new relationship paradigm and it makes me believe in us even more than ever before.

The first 5 years our relationship were cake.

Easy. Loving. Fun. Chill.

Then with this we decided to step into the fire.

And with this so much has come up.

But it had to. Because when you step into the fire it transforms you.

And we were both ready to be transformed.

And now after 9 months of living this way we feel like we have gotten into a healthy groove.

We know what works. We know what doesn’t work. We know what we want.

We know this is a process that will continue to crack us open and teach us new things about ourselves and each other.

I know our relationship has inspired many through our joy, our commitment and our love.

None of that has changed.

We still love each other as much as we ever have.

Even more so actually.

We are still committed to each other and spending our lives together.

For most of my life I have always sought out the most authentic way to live.

And right now, for me, this is it.

I know it may be hard for some of you not to judge or worry about us.

I get it. I really do.

This is one of the reasons we are both scared as hell to put this out there.

But all of this is a choice we have made together and we both feel wildly empowered in it.

So please please if you have ANY questions or comments leave them below or message me on Facebook.

I mean it. If you want to know more just ask me.  Curiosity is the cure for judgment.

Sex and relationships are often so tabu. So wrought with judgement and fear. But we need to talk about this stuff. Bring it out in the open. This is why I am sharing this with everyone. 

It is very likely there is a least one couple you know who has an open relationship but because of the stigma many couples choose to be socially monogamous.

But now the cat’s out of the bag. So let’s talk. Don’t be a afraid to ask me whatever you want. I’m sharing all of this because I don’t want it to be in the shadow.

So please help me to bring it into the light.

Also if you are curious and want some resources I suggest reading The Ethical Slut which has been in print for decades. Also check out this interview with couples therapist Esther Perel on The Tim Ferris Show. They get into a conversation around Polyamory and fidelity etc. around 49 minutes in.

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