Jealousy, Compersion and Granola…

When I was in my early twenties I dated a guy who was so jealous he even got angry at me when someone else liked me. Even if I had no interest whatsoever. 

I basically grew up thinking that real love meant not even looking at another person I may find attractive. That if I did it meant I didn’t love my partner.

Funny thing is that when I was younger and in a relationship I would play this game where I would hang out with another guy just as a “friend” and tell him if I ever broke up with my boyfriend I would totally date him.

I actually kept my word with one dude. Called him right up. He promptly broke up with his current girlfriend and started seeing me. Yeah.

I also remember being in college and having a hot frat boy in my bed, fully clothed hoping to get lucky. But instead I simply kissed him once and sent him on his way.

My boyfriend visited me the next day and slept in that same bed none the wiser.

Problem is I was taught a particular principle of monogamy but I never actually agreed with it. It’s one many people subscribe to…

If we love someone we should never be attracted to anyone else. We should never want to have sex with anyone else. EVER. 

I tried to follow this rule but failed miserably all through my teens and early twenties. But I made up my own rules to keep me from feeling too much guilt or shame.

But still it crept in.

It wasn’t until I started dating my fiance’, Nick, that I finally began to feel safe being attracted to another man even if I had no intention of acting on it.

There was always a fear that he would reject me for thinking someone else was cute or funny or sexy. This stuff was embedded in my cells.

So I find it so fascinating that now my life is exactly the opposite.

I mean I guess it’s not that surprising. That way of being didn’t work for me. I often just felt bad about myself.

One of the questions I think so many people have about non-monogamy is how do you not get jealous?? 

And the answer is that I do. Sometimes. I think many people in open or Polyamorous relationships can from time to time.

The difference is that I simply choose to work through those emotions. Just like I would work through feelings of fear or anger or sadness.

But there seems to be something about jealousy that leaves many people feeling helpless to it’s hold.

It is said that the antidote to jealousy is compersion. This is a word I had never heard before becoming Poly. But it’s now my new favorite word.

Compersion means The feeling of joy one has experiencing another’s joy. The feeling of joy associated with seeing a loved one love another. 

Joy for another’s joy. How beautiful is that? And yet so often this is elusive. So often we can covet, fear or ridicule other people’s success, love, lovers, attractions, bodies, kinks, or ways of being that don’t fall into our own personal rule book.

This is all a product of conditioning of course.

I really do think one of my main purposes in this life is to strip those meaty layers of conditioning off my body and live as an example of what this truly looks like and what is possible when you live a life you truly adore. 

And this all came into play last week.

I was thinking about my partners partner’s. They are called metamours. Metas for short.

Most of them I have not yet met. We just aren’t there yet in one way or another, depending on the person in question.

It’s kind of a big deal when you think about it. Meeting a person that your person likes or loves? Talk about taking love and compassion to the next level.

It’s funny how yogic this all feels to me. I’ve been teaching yoga for 14 years and this feels like one of the deepest yoga classes that I’ve ever experienced.

So I decided to do something to bridge this gap. To send some love to some people I have never met but who are still connected to me in a very unique and special way.

I decided to make granola.

And once all of the ingredients were in the bowl I placed my hands over it, closed my eyes and Reiked away. Reiki is a form of energy healing.  I let pure energy just flow in.

Then I blessed it with a loving kindness meditation called, ok you’re going to LOVE this…

A METTA meditation.

Metta is a Buddhist term meaning loving kindness.

Puns. Love. Granola.

It doesn’t get better than this my friends.

Then I jared up my magic morsels, slapped a tag on them with my clever name and wrote a card for each of my partners partner’s. And my partners too.

Each card had a special message. Some I am still working on. Turns out I need more granola. But some have already been delivered.

This gesture felt like a beautiful way to connect us all.

Afterwards I felt nervous. I felt so vulnerable.

I put myself out there in what felt like a big way. To many people.

But that’s the thing about love. It opens you up.

When I was doing this little project I kind of felt possessed. Like I had to keep going, ride the energy and not give it too much thought. Because if I did I would probably stop.

Pushing against social norms is tough. Because in some ways it feels like I’m pushing against myself. Like I’m pushing against a piece of myself that clings to a particular way that is no where near as loving.

But I’m ok with that.

I won’t push too hard. Just enough to keep evolving.

And I know some of you may not be able to relate to this. You may be scratching your head saying “ummm never.”

But this article isn’t really about metas. It’s about metta.

Metta means love.

And that is relatable to everyone. If you let it be.

I would love to hear your thoughts though. On jealousy. On love. On breaking social norms. What do you think?? Please let me know in the comments below.

And if you are feeling my posts then please let’s stay connected! You can do this by joining my community of fiercely feminine powerhouses and hearing all about my breakthroughs every week…

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