It was last Thursday morning and I sat on my meditation cushion as tears flowed in a weepy mess along my cheeks, down my neck and into a pool along my collarbones.
I was crying for a relationship I had the sneaking suspicion was going to have to end. And I was mourning it before it even did.
I thought this because I was slowly starting to realize that for the past 6 months this man and I had the kind of relationship that while so deeply fulfilling, intense and wildly passionate, also brought out the crazy in us.
We triggered each other’s own special wounds in ways that only true mirrors do. And all of a sudden these truths started to crystalize and I saw way more than I ever expected to.
I saw the ways we both played subtle little games because we liked the other so much and wanted to be liked in return.
I saw the ways we tried to get the other to validate our insecurities.
But most importantly I saw myself and how I went emotionally rouge in this relationship spilling my feelings like oil in an ocean where precious creatures will surely be harmed in the process.
And I don’t just mean my feelings of affection. I’m talking everything. We processed our feelings until our bones were brittle and our tongues were exhausted. But it was never enough.
I was insatiable in every possible way.
Because this particular man triggered an attachment wound that runs deep in my history.
And so both the light and the dark came spilling forth in rich colors that had me spiraling in a mix of ecstacy and insanity.
But instead of pulling away like most men have in my past, he decided to stick around and express his need for space.
Of course he needed space. I was straight up smothering him. And part of him loved it. But the wiser part knew how unsustainable it was.
The fear this triggered in me was insurmountable but what this lead to was a breakthrough so rich and so deep it felt like my third eye was about to explode from my body.
Holy shit, I’ve been doing this for years. I’ve been smothering the crap out of men.
But not all men. In fact my relationship with my fiance’ isn’t like that at all. He doesn’t trigger this in me. With him these monsters stay neatly tucked away in the cage I put them in right before I met him.
I’ve always felt a safe comfort with Nick. And I mistakenly took this as a sign that those monsters were long gone.
Not true. They haven’t fully healed. They’ve only had time to marinate.
So when we opened our relationship a little over a year ago you can best believe that I started attracting the same kind of man over and over again. The kind of man that brought out my crazy.
It would last a few months, I would become attached, pour my affection on them, they would get freaked out and pull away, I would push back, they would pull away even more and eventually I would end it. I ended every one.
In fact I’ve ended 90% of my relationships. Because many of these men wanted to be with me. They just didn’t know how.
Almost every single time for years this has been my pattern with this type of man.
Until now. This man didn’t leave. He stayed and spoke his truth.
I listened. And spoke mine.
We both realized the roles we have been playing and came clean about how we have been showing up.
And now, get this, we are moving forward fully aware of our habits and tendencies and how we can trigger them in each other. We are consciously moving through the chaos.
And let me just say, my mind is BLOWN.
This has NEVER happened before. This pattern with these men has always went one way. Hence my tears Thursday morning. I knew what was coming.
But instead we took a sharp right turn. Our ability to be raw and real with each other allowed for a conversation that brought our shadows into the light.
Now yes, I knew some of this to a degree but because I’ve never had the chance to actually work on this with someone I’ve never been as clear as I am now.
I now see how my overwhelming love and affection comes from a longing to be loved and a fear of not being abandoned.
I now see that this tends to do the exact thing I fear the most. It pushes men away.
When deep and messy truths are revealed in this way it can be so very painful but the healing that can come from them is paramount and oh so transformative.
For the first time in my life I have the opportunity to explore these shadows consciously and in relation to someone else. And while it’s unchartered territory and scary as all hell, I’m not backing away.
And honestly this story isn’t finished. Who knows what will happen.
I mean is any story ever really complete? I think that’s why we have our wounds. Because most stories live on in our bodies and our hearts and our minds.
I’m sharing this with you because I have a feeling a lot of you may be able to relate in some way.
We all have unhealthy tendencies that certain people can bring out of us. But what happens when you can be in relationship with that person while working through them on your own?
What happens when we can fully own our shit while also realizing that there are probably pieces of our truth that we may not be aware of. Not quite yet.
What happens when we can be open to these mysteries and fully embrace them? We heal. That’s what happens.
And that healing opens us up to more thriving, more love and more joy.
And often this is what we’ve wanted all along.
So on this week where everyone is supposed to be grateful (reminder, we can be grateful every single day and not just on Thanksgiving) I am expressing my gratitude for the mirrors in my life that show me who I am and who I am constantly becoming. Who incidentally is who I have always been.
Can you relate to this story? I’d love to hear what this has inspired in you. Please leave your comments below.
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