The Reason Why We Didn’t Work Out..

My fingers tentatively typed on the keys of my smart phone as I sent a text that would most likely change the course of a new relationship I was attempting to cultivate. 

Two sides of my personality clumsily danced together constantly stepping on the others feet, something that happens when both parties try to take the lead.

My strong empowered side was done. She new she wasn’t getting what she needed, it stopped being fun and sexy and instead felt heavy, processy and unhealthy.

As a result I went over the message I was going to send over and over again.

My other side felt differently.

This piece of myself has been with my for a VERY long time but I’m getting to know her more and more these days.

This side of me loves getting obsessed with certain types of relationships in which the chemistry is wild and the other person keeps me at a distance and plays the ever popular game of leaning into me at times and pushing me away a few moments later.

It’s that push/pull mania that this insecure piece of myself thrives on.

Often this is subtle and laced with enough love and connection and passion that I can ride that train for miles and miles never wanting to hop off and hoping it doesn’t crash.

Case in point my relationship that ended a few months ago and still has me swimming in bouts of sadness and missing and wishing.

What I’m learning is that this particular kind of connection is based on  particular attachment styles.

Apparently there are three (some say there are four) as laid out in the book a therapist friend recently lent me. The book is called Attached, written by Arim Levine and Rachel Heller and the styles outlined are as follows:

• Anxious people are often preoccupied with their relationships and tend to worry about their partner’s ability to love them back. 
   • Avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness. 
   • Secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving.

My attachment style is anxious/preoccupied and I tend to attract avoidant attachment styles which leads to a tug of war so epic it would put that game I used to play as a child to shame.

Interestingly enough, my husband’s attachment style is secure, which may very well be the reason we are still together after 7 years and why our way of relating is so wildly different than any relationship I’ve ever been in.

But ever since I’ve opened my relationship I’ve called in this other type of person and as a result was so preoccupied with these relationships that everything else often  fell to the side waiting to be picked back up.

It took so much work (and therapy) for me to feed my primary relationship, not because I don’t love and respect him but in part because these other relationships pushed on a button that is so familiar and addictive.

Learning about these complicated and nuanced ways of being in relationships is brand new for me and the experience has filled me with wonder and empowerment but also a lot of pain.

Seeing why a past relationship I loved so so much didn’t work out with painstaking clarity and detailed understanding makes me feel like a cliche and a fool but also it helps me to understand why something that was filled with so much love and connection and respect and passion didn’t work. 

It makes so much sense now. Because we both tried so fucking hard.

So when I felt this happening again with someone new, I was able to actually pull myself out of it.

I am still shocked I was able to take the reigns so purposefully because the pull to these particular relationships is so strong. So much so that it caused me to question it the next day.

Maybe I was overreacting. Maybe I should have given this new dude another chance. I mean he is going through a lot and blah blah blah blah blah.

Excuses my friends are so tricky because on one hand they are real and valid and happening.

And on the other hand (often hidden behind the person’s back) they are EXCUSES.

But in that moment that I lovingly and respectfully excused myself from something I could feel in my guts wasn’t going to work, I proved to my myself I was able to put myself first.

In that moment took I a HUGE step forward in shifting these pattens that have grooves so deep you could swim in them. 

Because we can create real and sustainable shifts in our lives. We can choose to show up in new and more aligned ways.

We won’t always make the choice to do so, sometimes we need to go down the path of messiness and learn the lessons first. And when we do that forgiveness may be necessary.

But never doubt your ability to evolve and trust that the Universe is constantly giving you opportunities to do just that.

I’d love to hear from you. Does this resonate?? How? Please let me know in the comments below.