I Finally Let Him Go

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Sunday night I sat on my teal meditation cushion laced in regal gold trim and shuffled the lovingly weathered deck of Osho Zen Taro cards.

I watched as a card jumped from the deck and then flipped it over to reveal a puzzle of a gentle bluish-white face with one final puzzle piece being place in the center.

I pulled the completion card. A card that is exactly what it sounds like.

When you pull this card it signifies something that has been a part of your life and has helped you to grow or love or heal is coming to an end.

The first thought that bombarded my mind was my ex. The second was my current new boo.

I quickly pushed both away. That couldn’t be it.

My ex and I broke up almost a year ago and I hadn’t actually spoken to my new boo in almost 3 weeks.

You see, and this is where the fact that I’m polyamorous REALLY comes into play, my new boo and his wife recently had a baby.

Yup, that’s correct. I was dating a man who was about to have a baby and then had the baby (well his wonderful bad-ass wife did) and yes every one knew and consented and all was good.

Except having a baby is kind of a big deal. The kind of deal that can shake your heart, your brain and your body to the core.

Also I hear they are hella time consuming.

So our relationship went from him pouring glorious buckets of affection on me to not even a drop.

And yes that was necesaary because BABY. And I really couldn’t argue or ask anything of him.

I was willing to settle with the scraps he could give me for a while but there was literally no guarantee that he would want to give me more again.

Plus this is really no different than many of the relationships I’ve found myself wading through in the past. This one just has a WAY better reason.

So as much as I wanted to be that supportive new partner and tell him to take all the time he needed it just didn’t feel authentic. So I ended it in as loving and gracious of a way as I could.

Something fascinated happened as soon as I did that. Well first I cried. I was very sad about it in those initial moments.

But then a curious momentum started to fuel me and I began to take note of the other areas where I need to close or complete.

A crystalized clarity percolated behind my eyes and made its way to my brain as I realized just how many energetic threads I had that weren’t balanced and as a result depleting me.

This happens a lot. We allow our energy to be drained on things that may be amazing in some ways but in other ways are taking up so much mental and emotional real estate without offering a balanced amount of nourishment.

Then I became the Tazmanian Devil of letting go. I swear there was a tornado of hazy dust swirling around me as I went.

I deleted a particular dating app because while I was meeting a ton of cool people I realized it wasn’t actually moving me towards the kind of relationships I want to foster in my life.

I let go of a few new connections with people who I just didn’t feel would really fulfill me. I was going through the motions in the hopes that would change and it didn’t feel fair to anyone involved.

Once I got started yesterday I just kept going. Pulling back the layers. Letting it all go.

And then it came to my ex. Without another thought I sent him a message that finally allowed us to close.

While we hadn’t been chatting that much and the last time we saw each other was April, we were still trying to make a friendship work.

But it can’t work. At least not now. Because we still care too much and the attraction is still dancing beneath our skin and while being away from him makes me think it could work being in front of him is a much different story.

So I let him go. Finally. Truly. Fully.

It felt like the next step. It felt good. It felt complete.

No tears or sadness. Just completion.

But then last night while watching my favorite dance show SYTYCD (look it up it’s too long to write out, I’m saving my energy for spilling my emotions) a song that I have been avoiding was part of a piece.

This song wasn’t one of our songs and believe me, we had many. It was a song that I started to listen to right after we broke up and immediately turned it off because it was too much.

As I heard the song last night I mumbled “Oh fuck” and proceeded to bawl my eyes out as I watched the delicate dance.

I needed that more than I knew. I couldn’t avoid the emotion that was still beneath the surface even though I tried yesterday by hopping back on OK Cupid and meeting new people who seem much more in alignment with what I want.

I barely look a breath. I do that sometimes. I just ride the momentum steady and fast. I’m an Aries. It’s our way.

But last night I slowed down. I felt it. And it felt like all of this was actually about letting go of him all along.

The man I just ended things with had been a catalyst from the first day I met him and I have so much gratitude for him and the way people can come into our lives and bless it in their own unique ways.

And let me just say. I regret none of it.

I see that short relationship as a complete success and a gift that has helped to heal particular pieces of myself that have been waiting to be healed. Just because something is short lived doesn’t mean it’s a failure.

And I honor the spirit I have that loves deep and so fucking big and tries really hard to make things work. I adore that piece of myself so tenderly.

We all need to get to places of change and awareness at our own pace. We must be patient with ourselves.

We must give ourselves the kindness to let go of the shame that sometimes comes with ending relationships.

It’s so easy to feel like a fool when we get so excited about something and it doesn’t “work out.” But in those moments we forget that we were simply living the experience we were meant to live in the time frame we were meant to live it.

Because every single realtionship we’ve ever had was a gift in some way.

Large and small. Wildly fulfilling and terribly heartbreaking. Each one. A gift.

And I’m so grateful for these gifts and these partners and my ability to both love them and let them go.

Because as I set them free I set myself free. And that is a gift only I can give to myself.