The Truth is I’m Playing Small

I know some of you may be scratching your heads at this week’s title.

I know I’ve done some pretty big things.

I have traveled to several countries, cofounded a teacher training that raised over $300K to build 5 schools in 4 countries, raised over $30K for my own service work, write for the Huff Post, called in the most amazing relationship I could ever have hoped for to name a few.

But still, the title stands. I am playing small. Now my small looks pretty big. So it’s tricky.

To anyone on the outside looking in and even some on the inside looking in, it would most likely look like I’m playing big.

I’m sorry to burst any bubbles floating around out there but that’s just not true.

And by admitting that I’m playing small I am by no means diminishing all of the BIG things I have accomplished.
I have some pretty shiny accomplishments. Totally.

But the BIGGEST thing. The thing I really want.
The thing I’ve wanted since I was 21 years old, I have not completed. I have barely even tried.

I’m referring to writing and publishing a book. If not several.

And it’s not like I’ve sent dozens of manuscripts to hundreds of publishers until I couldn’t stand the rejection quick sand and finally gave up.

I’ve never sent a single idea to a publisher. Despite the fact that I have tons. Too many in fact. And while I started a memoir a few years back and wrote over 100 pages, I stopped. And I know some of you want to defend me. Want to tell me to stop being so hard on myself.

I know some of you want to say supportive things like “maybe it wasn’t the right time” or “you have been focused on other stuff.”

Yes, that could be true but still, I call bull shit.

I know I’ve always resisted this. And my resistance has shown up in very tricky ways.

In the past few years my resistance has shown up in the form of too many ideas that have left me paralyzed and unable to act on any of them.

See, I told you it’s tricky.

So while I do BIG things and put myself out there in massive ways, I am not doing my BIGGEST thing. At least I haven’t yet.

And as a result I haven’t been able to expand as brightly as is possible.

In this way I’ve played small.

I’ve stayed in my comfort zone of doing the big things I have been doing for the past 7 years. The stuff I’ve received tons of validation for.

So I know this right? I’m telling you this. Now what?

Well, I have a plan. Whether it will work or not is beyond me. But I’m willing to try.

Starting December 5 until the rest of December I am taking a pause on this blog and the majority of my Facebook posts.

These both take up a lot of time and energy. So just for December I’m putting them on hold.

And with this free time I plan to write and work on my new brand.

I’m going to dive in and see what happens. I’m not giving myself a certain number of pages to write or a chapter quota. I’m simply seeing how much I can accomplish in that month. And then I will start the process of sending it out to publishers.

That’s the plan.

And I won’t be working on one book. I will be working on two. Yup, I know, crazy.
But it’s what I’m being called to do. It’s my way of beating resistance at it’s own game.

The one book will be a memoir (I’m sorry but I can’t tell you the topic just yet) and the other will be a compilation of interviews.

One I will try to publish the traditional way and the other I am going to self publish.

And I know there will be a point when the resistance gets strong. I’m ready for it.

The other day I sat at the kitchen table and told my fiance (holy crap, I have a fiance!) that when I try to back out and make excuses that he needs to take my face in his hands, look me in the eye and remind me of how determined I was at that moment at the kitchen table.

In that moment I sat there and stated with ferocious integrity that I know these are the books I am supposed to write.

But I will forget. I know this.
So I have prepared this time.
Because here’s the thing…

We all have resistance to the things we want the most.
To our dreams. But we can work with it.
And it’s ok to call ourselves out on our own shit. In fact it’s necessary. We can do this without berating ourselves.

Basically right now I’m like the best friend who is lovingly telling you like it is. Except I’m telling myself.

So now it’s your turn.

What are you putting off? What are you resisting? What is on the shelf?
It’s time to take it off the shelf and place it in your heart.

It’s time. Now.

If you are feeing me then write a declaration in the comments below.
What do you want to commit to? What do you want to go for?
Let me know. I want to support you.
Let’s do this. Together.