And Then I Lost My Sh*t

I spent all of last week in Belize hosting my Divine Alchemy Yoga Retreat.

It was glorious. Magical. Beautiful. Connected. Auspicious. Deep. Emotional. And so so Powerful.

We went even deeper than I thought we would.

I didn’t really have a defined plan or outline. I simply followed my intuition and let it guide me on what to work on.

That happened to lead me to guiding my students into unearthing their obstacles and limiting belief systems that keep them steeped and stuck in old habits and patterns.

It was deep work. Emotions ran deep. So much transformation took place. It was breathtaking.

And while it was a LOT of space to hold by myself, I did a good job. I stayed grounded, took time for myself, made sure to meditate and practice as much as possible.

So on our final day I felt really good about how the trip unfolded. I was happy everyone was leaving feeling grounded and centered and in their power.

And then I lost my shit.

Let me explain…

A car came to take half of the group to the little airport so we could fly to the larger airport.

The car came early and they were already in the car by the time I got there. I wasn’t certain we would get another goodbye so I leaned into the car and hugged each one of then.

While I was saying my goodbyes the driver started to accelerate. I was half in the car. The door was wide open. My toes started to drag on the pavement.

Shit, I thought. I’m going to get dragged out of this car. I lifted my toes to draw my legs into the car (thank you, core) as we all screamed for him to stop.

Despite the fact that I was three inches from his face it took three tries before he finally stopped the car.

Scared, shook and enraged I went nuts. I shouted, “What the fuck is your problem?! You could have killed me!!!”

I got out of the car .

I slammed the door.

I stomped off.

Clearly my sympathetic nervous system was on high alert. Adrenaline was pumping. My blood was in my ears and tears filled me eyes.

Often times in situations like this we either shut down or rage up. I’m a rager.

Promptly after I went to the beach to calm down and meditate. It didn’t last long. Our car came early too.

I felt horrible for freaking out. I didn’t want the very last moment of the retreat to be one of fear and panic.

But that wasn’t in my control.

The irony was that morning in practice I talked about how we can control how we perceive and react to a situation.

How we can choose.

In that moment, when I feared getting dragged out of the car and potentially run over, I didn’t have a choice. My reptilian brain took over.

And I lost my shit.

And it’s ok. Because sometimes this will happen too. It just will. Especially when we are scared shittless.

I got a chance to see everyone shortly after. I apologized for my reaction. They completely understood and we had a moment to process how long and scary that moment was.

And I realized that the tools I had been instilling in them all week weren’t cancelled out by a moment of intensity.

They seemed steady and grounded in love.

Funny thing about this kind of work. It will reveal itself in many different ways.

I’m grateful that the experience ended the way it did. I’ve heard of similar ones that didn’t have so tidy and safe an ending.

And some may say I overacted. There is even a piece of my own mind telling my to stop being a drama queen because it wasn’t that big of a deal.

I suppose it’s all relative really. Every moment that leads up to that moment facilitates our reaction to something. That was mine.

But either way,  let this be a reminder…

We need to love ourselves. Even when we lose our shit.