I often say vulnerability is my superpower.
And if you’ve been reading my blog for the past 10 months or so I’m sure it’s no surprise.
Sharing deep truths, scary realities and raw exposures of myself is my way.
Hell, even using this particular picture this week makes me feel vulnerable.
But I do it with the ease of a pro ice skater and the confidence of a pro wrestler.
And sure at times it’s wildly uncomfortable but I do it anyway.
Because comfort is overrated.
Because I want to stretch those pieces of myself that need to be stretched and through example encourage you to do the same.
But something changed on Saturday night as I sat on a sturdy wooden barstool with a beer I decided to stop drinking because 2.5 is my max.
I was telling a friend about this very blog I write every week.
I was telling him about a piece I hope to write sometime very soon.
A post that will be a BIG reveal.
A post that will share truths that I haven’t yet shared.
As I spoke to my friend I felt confident, grounded and bold.
But looking me in the eye my friend took my hand and asked me, are you alright??
Instantly, steel shot through my spine as my posture became that of a Catholic school child who’s teacher just walked into the room and my face froze with the look of indignation.
I’m fine. I assured him.
He told me my entire energy changed as I spoke of some of the details.
He told me there seemed to be tears behind my eyes.
No tears I promised him as I wondered what the hell he was talking about.
Confused, I took a second to process this. Because honestly I wasn’t feeling what he was seeing.
What I was feeling suddenly was closed off.
At that moment I couldn’t handle another person sharing their own personal truth of me.
It freaked me out.
As I look back I can remember moments where I’ve had similar reactions to someone poking me in a way I wasn’t prepared for.
It wasn’t until the next day sitting with Nick at my favorite India food restaurant that it hit me.
I’m only comfortable when I am in control of my vulnerability.
When someone else tries to take the reigns, even for a second, I screech to a stop. Game over. Thank you for playing.
In other words, in those moments vulnerability becomes my kryptonite.
Now please don’t miss the lovely irony of this experience.
As I was talking about how good I am at being vulnerable I became not that good at being vulnerable. Uh huh.
Now there are definitely factors that I need to consider such as who is trying to take my reigns.
Do I feel safe and comfortable enough to let them? Do I trust them?
All of these things definitely factor into our vulnerability with others.
But something else plays a big role as well…
Control.
Being vulnerable in this way means giving up control.
And that shit is scary.
Especially for an alpha female like myself.
So now I have more work to do.
It’s time to look at these pieces of myself and lovingly consider why they can close so easily.
We be can strong and confident and powerful and vulnerable but that doesn’t mean there aren’t going to be moments that push us and awaken truths we may have never considered.
One thing I know is that this work never ends. Transformation is infinite. Healing is a way of life.
I am so grateful for this simple moment that crystalize a truth that has been nipping at my heels for a while.
And now I ask you, dear reader, what’s nipping at your heels? What truth wants to be revealed?
Where can you let vulnerability in? Where can you allow yourself to heal?
I love hearing from you. Leave your comments below.
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