Sometime memories rise to the surface that still feel relevant and I must share them.
This one happened about 12 years ago and still blows my mind when I think about it.
I was 23 years old and had a checkup with my then doctor.
This doctor was a man who was referred by the doctor I had for most of my life who had to retire for health issues.
That doctor was phenomenal. He treated me like his own child.
He once called me from his vacation to Disney World to make sure I was ok. I was sick a lot as a child.
But this other doctor was older. He lacked the warmth and compassion my first doctor had. He was set in his ways.
During this visit I asked him for STD testing. Specifically I wanted to be tested for HIV.
It had been months since I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years and following that breakup I had a lot of sex.
And some of that sex had been unprotected. Not my finest moments. But also not my worst. These things happen.
So I thought I was doing the responsible thing by asking my doctor for the tests.
Moving forward I wanted to make smart and healthy choices. This felt like a step in the right direction.
Unfortunately my doctor did not agree.
He told me that I didn’t need an HIV test.
He told me that only prostitutes need to get HIV testing.
Yes. This is what he said. Only prostitutes.
I sat on the crinkly white paper, my legs dangling beneath me, dumbfounded.
I knew I needed that test.
I also knew I wasn’t a sex worker.
So what did that make me??
Aren’t our doctors supposed to support us? Especially when we are making responsible decisions??
I wish I remember what I said after that. I don’t.
I do remember getting so angry that hot tears threatened to stain my cheeks.
And I know that I complained. And as a result my old doctor called me and left a message on my answering machine wondering what was wrong.
I never called him back. I was too ashamed.
So why bring this up now?
Because even though that was 12 years ago, we are still living in a very puritan, sex shaming culture.
Especially for women.
I wondering what that doctor would have said if I was a man?
Would he have given me the test and left his shitty comments to himself??
Who knows.
But I do know this. It took a lot of courage to ask for that test back then.
Just like it takes courage today for women to ask for those tests now.
Just like it takes courage today for women to ask for their sexual needs to be met.
Just like it takes courage for women to choose how to handle an unplanned pregnancy.
Just like it takes courage for women to make the first move.
Because this shit still isn’t supported. Not fully.
Because as this Huff Post article points out,
Clearly, sluttiness to some people indicates a woman who asserts herself, sexually or not.
And honestly it’s frustrating. We have come so far but at the same time it feels like there is a big ball and chain tethered to this country’s ankle.
And this is why I often feel so inclined to talk about sex. Because we need to take it out of the shadow.
So if you have ever been slut shamed by a doctor, or a parent, or a friend or a lover just know that it not you. It’s them.
Women who know who they are and what they want can be scary. Can bring up stuff for those that don’t know how to handle them. Can push all kinds of buttons.
But that doesn’t mean we should stop.
We must love ourselves enough to keep going.
I would love to hear your comments. Have you ever had an experience like this? How did it make you feel? How did you handle it? Please leave your comments below.
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