What My Reentry into Dating Has Taught Me about My Fear of Being Too Much

I often told my fiance’ that I wondered how I would be at dating knowing what I know and being who I am now as opposed to before we met. 

I felt pretty confident that I would be awesome at it. And I suppose in some ways that is true (even though in the beginning I actually kind of sucked at it).

Like the fact that I’ve created my own little system for slaying on dating apps.

I go on something like Ok Cupid for 3 or 4 days, meet a handful of eligible men, tap into my intuition, give a few my numbers to continue connecting off the app and then disable my account with lots of fun dates in store.

I honestly don’t know how anyone can stay on a dating app for more than a week. That shit makes me crazy.

Ok let me pause real quick.

If you are reading this like what the hell is she talking about?? Dating?!! She’s engaged!! What the what?!?! 

Then you probably didn’t read last week’s blog post. So go do that. It will all be much clearer…

Ok moving on…

So yes in some ways I’m slaying.

I know who I am. I know what I want. And I have no problem putting myself out there in a bold and direct ways. I find this helps me weed out people who just won’t click with me.

And while I do a pretty good job of this, for a while I found myself attracting men who just couldn’t handle me.

It literally felt like I was just too much for them.

Because well, I’m a lot. I know this.

I am intense. And open. And honest. And when I like you (whether you are a friend or more) I will shower you with affection.

It’s just how I roll.

Over the years I have definitely learned how to have boundaries around this. How not to overwhelm people. How to stay grounded.

When I met Nick almost 6 years ago I acted how I had always acted but it was much more grounded.

Because he fully received me.

I didn’t freak him out.

I didn’t scare him.

I didn’t drive him away.

Because he knew he was worthy of what I had to give him, which was simply my love and affection.

When I feel someone’s resistance to me I tend to push harder or try to yank something out of them.

It’s a trigger for me. And sometimes I just can’t help myself. Of course, it never works.

Recently I started seeing a man who has no problem with my intensity.

He’s not bothered by my affection or my consciousness or honesty or my compliments.

In fact, he appreciates it.

It offered such a contrast to the men I had dated who would simply shut down when I opened up.

And then it hit me quite clearly. And I know how this is going to sound but please, bear with me.

I have been teaching yoga for 14 years and one thing I do really well is reflect other people’s light back to them.

When I am tuned in this just happens. Organically.

And it happens in my relationships too.

What I have come to understand is that this reflection is often too much for many people. Because a lot of us have difficulty with accepting we are worthy of it.

I even have trouble with it sometimes myself. But I call myself out.

Actually, Nick  often calls me out and I do my work around it.

But in the past 9 months of opening our relationship I have connected with this fear of being too much.

I have to monitor myself. I can’t give too much affection. I can’t send too many text messages. I have to let the guy come to me. Blah blah blah.

And sometimes dude just isn’t into me. I get it. I read that freakin book.

But sometimes it’s more. Sometimes it’s pure resistance. I can feel it.

And I’ve spoke to other women who relate with this feeling of being too much.

It often goes back as far as we can remember.

Our feelings are too big.

Our voices are too loud.

Our ambition is too bright.

I surround myself with bad ass powerhouse women and often we can be seen as too much.

But what I’ve discovered is that we don’t need to tone ourselves down.

We don’t need to be a mystery if what we want to be is open and free.

And hey, boundaries are good. I work with people around developing them all the time.

Having good judgment is also good.

I’m not saying spill your heart on the feet of every person you meet and blame them if they can’t take it.

But what I am saying is be you.

Because there are people out there who will accept that version of you and you don’t need to tone it down or wrap it up or make excuses for it.

You can just be you.

That’s what I’m going to be.

I kind of forgot. I let myself get stifled just a bit.

But that’s the thing about forgetting stuff, when you remember it feels even better.

So what about you? Does this resonate with you? Have you ever felt like you were too much? Please let me know in the comments below.

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