This past Monday was a rough day.
And not because it was a Monday. That wasn’t it at all.
Poor misunderstood Mondays always get so much shit. I usually really enjoy my Mondays. Just not this one.
It started out quite lovely with a cup of tea followed by a yoga class.
Then all hell broke loose.
First I started getting a migraine aura. This is when one eye gets crazy flashes of light and often goes temporarily, partially blind. It’s a strange and scary indicator that a migraine is looming.
Weird thing is I haven’t gotten one in years.
This was followed by a very short yet intense conversation with the man I am seeing.
Without getting into too much detail I will simply say the conversation upset me. BIG time.
So much so that I was hysterical and needed to get off the phone because words were tumbling out of my mouth in a jumbled mess and I knew nothing productive was going to come from this.
You probably already know I’m an emotional person but I can often breath into my emotions and not let them get too big.
But this felt different.
This time the interaction triggered something from a past relationship. And it felt so intense.
If you’re new to the term trigger (which if this isn’t your first timing reading you probably aren’t but just in case) I will explain.
When someone is triggered it is because something about their present experienced jogged (or triggered) a memory from the past and they basically time travel back to that moment so that everything present is shadowed by that past experience.
It’s often a very intense experience but this time felt particularly raw.
Because this time it took me a while to untangle what was real and what was my fear and pain surfacing from past shittiness.
I was so confused and disoriented. I felt terrified of doing or saying something that would completely dismantle this relationship.
It felt like the ground was filled with land mines and if I stepped on one I would blow the whole thing up. I could literally see this image clear as day.
Thing is my relationship with this man isn’t that fragile.
Sure it’s new (we’ve been dating for about 5 months now and being Polyamorous is new to both of us so we are slowly finding our way) but its built on communication and trust and being real and honest. You know, the good stuff.
And then I realized that when we were talking I was violently flung back into a situation that happened with my ex boyfriend when I was 21-years old.
We were dating for about 3 or 4 months. I love you’s had already been exchanged.
That night my boyfriend performed at a club in Philly. He was a hip hop artist and was debuting a new album.
After such a fun and successful night we went to a diner with one of his friends.
My guy started talking and flirting with other women, something he did often.
One time he scored 3 phone numbers right in front of me. It makes me cringe to think I never advocated for myself.
It didn’t really affect me so much at the time and I just laughed and joked with his friend.
My boyfriend didn’t like our banter and became extremely jealous. Oh the irony.
Now sure I may have been playing it up a little more to catch his attention. I was in my early twenties. And I’m human. But nothing that warranted his response.
Upon returning to his apartment we got into a huge fight where I told him he was being ridiculous and suggested he sleep on the couch.
That morning I woke up ready to talk about it and make up only to find a shell of a person. All of the love and affection he usually poured upon me was stripped way like a vicious storm that leaves devastation in it’s wake.
He looked different. His voice was different. He wouldn’t even look me in the eye.
He simply took every drop of his love and affection away. Gone. It was as if it never existed.
The days that followed were excruciating. Some of the deepest pain I’ve ever felt.
I lost all dignity as I begged him to come back. I apologized for things I didn’t even do.
I would have been better off if he hadn’t as that relationship lasted 3 more years and proved to be just as emotionally controlling and abusive as the first 3 months.
I know now the pain of that experience poked on a wound from my childhood. That entire situation mimicked an experience that happened to me as a child.
Something that coincidentally was brought up in a recent therapy session just last week.
So when my present guy expressed how he was feeling about something, a topic that felt like it came out of no where, I immediately went into survival mode. I couldn’t actually hear him.
The entire experience was covered with a big blanket of past wounds.
Even when he asked me what I needed I couldn’t reply. It took me a few hours to connect with what I needed in that moment.
This is the power of a really good trigger. It can consume you. Even if you’ve done lots of work around healing it. Or at least you think you have.
So I’m sharing this experience with you because I feel like it’s something we don’t talk about that often.
Yet this happens all the time. We are often bumping into each other, our wounds exposed, pain brought up to the surface and then blame is often misplaced.
This especially happens in romantic relationships where the stakes can feel much higher.
Eventually I was able to own my piece with him and fianlly see clearly and understand what was happening.
But it took me longer than usual. I can usually call it out as it’s happening. This time it was a bit sneakier.
So what the hell do we do about this kind of stuff?
We talk about it. We practice yoga, or meditate, or exercise or dance. We self care our faces off. We forgive. We offer compassion to whatever or whoever needs it, including ourselves.
We take steps to release and heal the past pieces that broke our hearts and threatened to fracture our souls.
We heal.
I know that this stuff comes up for me because I am on a committed path of healing. And this is a process. And sometimes it sucks.
I also know I call in experiences to help me understand my wounds more clearly.
And I know that all of this takes so much courage.
It’s way easier not to look at ourselves. To simply numb ourselves to the experiences in life that make us uncomfortable.
But I choose to feel and to experience the freedom that comes with living as authentic a life as possible.
I hope you will join me.
Let’s do this. Together.
One way is sharing a similar experience. I love hearing from you! Feel free to comment below or if you want a bit more privacy you can contact me here.
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