About 9 years ago I met this guy who put his business card on my car door to ask me out.
I was intrigued so I took the bait and we went out on a date.
Afterwards I asked him if he wanted to come back to my place and hang out.
Here would be a good time to add that I had no intention of having sex with him. I’m not the sex-on-the-first-date kind of girl. I see no problem with it but it’s just not something I find myself drawn to.
I simply wanted to hang out, maybe make out and then say goodbye.
So we did just that.
But half way through the making out I informed him that no sex would be had that evening.
He was quite surprised. He told me and I quote, so please excuse my blunt crassness, “You kiss like you want to fuck.”
Hmmm, again I was intrigued. I suppose I do. And the problem is??
I’ve always been an aggressive kisser. I don’t really understand how one can be any other way. If I like someone, I kiss them, hard.
Even when I was younger this was my thing. I remember a few dudes in high school being turned off by it. I suppose I wasn’t demur enough for them. Perhaps they couldn’t take my assertive nature.
But again just the other night a guy I am seeing told me I that on our first date the way I kissed him felt misleading to him.
He really thought that because of the way I kissed that I was planning on taking it further. Even though I made it explicitly clear and we weren’t even in a house.
So what gives?
Is this just one of those society norms that needs to be dismantled or does my kissing style truly lead people in a different direction?
Are men simply programmed to expect sex as soon as it feels like there is the possibility? Do women feel this way too? Does this different when it’s two people of the same gender?
Why can’t I engage the way I want, be as passionate as I want and just keep it there? I mean I can and I do. That’s not going to stop. I physically don’t know how to change that nor do I want to.
That’s just me. It’s how I am with everything really. Not just making out. I charge towards what I want with a zesty spring in my step. I get really excited.
And honestly sometimes I do feel guilty or pressured in those times I don’t fulfill that expectation and our time lines don’t exactly line up. I still honor my needs but still I feel the effects.
But I can’t help but connect with the concept that women are still expected to be timid and receptive and men are supposed to be the assertive ones.
I think those boys in high school could have been turned off because I was fulfilling their role. I was the “guy” in those situations. This stuff is embedded in our cells. It’s so hard to shake.
And sometimes it can be scary. Like for real scary. I get it. I’m keeping this light but I know that “giving someone the wrong idea” can also lead to intense and illegal outcomes.
This is what rape culture is about. Women are expected to watch their behavior in order to stay safe. Bullshit. Sure awareness is good but we should all respect each other. Hear each other. Listen.
And dare I say let go of our freakin agendas?
Sex doesn’t need to be the goal. But so often we are programmed to orbit around it like it’s the sun.
It always comes back to this conditioning. I feel like a broken record. At least this week I had a fun make out story go with it.
Clearly this week I have a lot of questions. But I also have a point too…
Be you. Kiss how you want to kiss. Have sex on the first date. Or don’t. Speak up. Say yes when you want to. Say no when you want to. To whatever you want to. And may you always be respected. That is my wish for you. For all of us.
I’m curious about this and how others feel about it. Is this your experience? From either side? Do you feel mislead by someone’s style of kissing? Are you a woman who is a the assertive one and does that confuse people? Does this concept change when the people involved are of the same gender?
I know we aren’t supposed to talk about this shit, which honestly is really annoying. Because let’s face it. We all think about this kind of stuff. Maybe not this exact topic. But sex. A lot of us think about that.
So let me know in the comments below…
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4 comments
I don’t like making blanket statements, but in my experience it is different between women. The gendered expectations go out the window (for obvious reasons) and there’s less of this idea that sex is owed to anyone. I mean, there are people in the community who do act like that, but I think it’s less of an issue.
Yes of course you can’t speak for an entire community but I hear you and I’m not surprised that this is the case in your experiences. “Gendered expectations” yes that’s just it. And I find them fascinating because I think they often do come into play.
I feel like someone saying you kiss like you want to fuck is not a bad thing. It’s a compliment to your kissing style.
Yes it totally could be but in these cases they were more letting my know that my kissing style was misleading. That because I kissed them in that way that it meant I wanted to have sex with them. Even if I didn’t.
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