The Sexual Experience that was Eight Years in the Making…

This past weekend I engaged in a sexual experience that felt like it was 8 years in the making. Maybe even more. 

Whoa so that’s quite a beginning eh?

If you’re bracing yourself for what you imagine might be the next series of Fifty Shades novels don’t worry, that’s not what’s happening.

And if you’re disappointed because you now realize that you’re not getting the next series of Fifty Shades novels, I’m sorry to disappoint. I also get it. That shit is hot. Even if it’s poorly written.

Anyways, this weekend. Sexual experience. Eight years in the making.

The reason why I never engaged in an experience like this before is because I had so much shame and guilt around even wanting to.

I’m not going to get specific because it doesn’t really matter and for now I want to keep it to myself.

What matters is that for me (and I know I’m not alone on this one) sex was in many ways a form of control. Meaning I allowed my religious background and upbringing to control how I related sexually.

For years it felt like my relationship with sex was never really mine. In fact only in this past year does it feel like I’ve actually claimed it as my own. 

First it was the shiny Chastity button I proudly pinned on my green Jansport backpack when I was 14 years old because I wanted to be a “good girl” and had no idea what I was missing out on since I’d only ever kissed a boy.

It didn’t take long before I realized that abstaining from sex before marriage was the worst idea I’d ever heard of. So then I played with the boundaries. And tried to push them in a way that managed my guilt and shame.

So in my own little world oral sex was ok, sex in a loving relationship was cool, which is why I made my boyfriend wait for 8 months before we had sex.

One night stands were evil and made me a slut. Sex with more than one person (whether at one time or just being in relationship with more than one person) was a no go.

And so my dance with sex began. Most of the time I wound up stepping on it’s feet.

I never actually listened to what I wanted and did a good job of keeping my desires caged, only feeding them when it felt like I wasn’t going to get my hand bitten off.

Funny thing happens when you cage something so fierce for so long. At some point it gives up.

And that’s what happened for me. My sexual desire gave up on me.

In this last year I’ve unlocked the cage and watched the fierceness come back to life. It’s been breathtaking.

I no longer care about fitting into any kind of box or doing the “right thing.” Because the right thing is relative to each one of us.

No one should tell you how to connect with your sexual desires. They are as much a part of us as our breath and our blood and almost as vital. 

Which brings me back to this past weekend. Sexual experience. Eight years in the making.

That morning I took a yoga class and the teacher read a Hafiz poem in which he says:

Now is the time to know

That all that you do is sacred.

And this…

Now is the time to understand
That all your ideas of right and wrong
Were just a child’s training wheels
To be laid aside
When you can finally live
with veracity and love.

Yes. It felt like he was speaking right to me.  I googled it as soon as I got home and read it many times.

Then that night before I engaged in my evening sexcapades I read it again out loud to my partner as we got grounded and set intentions.

It was such an exquisite reminder that when we put our intentions, our integrity and our grace into whatever we do that indeed it is sacred.

Experiencing this kind of freedom has been life changing for me- a breakthrough that reaches deep into my body. One I know I will feel for many moments to come.

And now I know that all of those moments can and will be sacred if I want them to be because now I am finally able to FULLY live with veracity and love.

Thought? Similar experiences? I’d love to hear them. Leave your thoughts in the comments below or simply send me a message. 

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