I remember being 8-years old with my Get in Shape Girl mat, headband and jumprope. (Where are my 80’s babies?!)
I remember sweat pouring from my prepubescent armpits and thinking that kids shouldn’t be that stinky.
I loved working out. It was fun and helped me burn off those all of the excess energy my Aries self did and still does possess.
Thing is I never needed to work out. At least not by societies standards. Growing up I was so thin my legs where the practically the same size as my arms.
This followed me all the way into my twenties where people would often express concerns that I was “too thin” despite the fact that I ate like a linebacker preparing for the Super Bowl.
But at 37-years old this isn’t quite the case anymore.
Yes, I am still considered thin by societies standards. And yes, I love my body. I especially love the way 90% of any weight I gain goes straight to my ass and my breasts.
But my body doesn’t naturally burn fat like it used to. And in order to stay healthy and in shape I need to work it out.
I still enjoy working out. Endorphins, feeling strong and bad ass, what’s not to love?
In November (getting ahead of the New Year’s rush) I joined Planet Fitness because my body craved weight training and my back injury wasn’t quite to the place where I could do more intense workouts.
In less than a month my back healed right up and my body felt way stronger. It was amazing.
But when I looked at the scale I noticed I hadn’t lost even one pound. I get why, I was mostly weight training and muscle weighs more than fat blah blah blah.
Even though this wasn’t my original reason for joining a gym it still bugged me. When I was doing the Daily Burn app last year I was getting stronger and slimmer and trimmer. And it was really fun.
Thing is that I want to lose 8 lbs to bring my current weight of 133 down to 125. Why you ask? It’s a completely arbitrary number. I just do.
So after my back felt ready I reactivated my Daily Burn account and have been doing these intense, hi-energy workouts for the past week. I love and hate them all at once. They push my edge and kick my ass.
But when I woke up with my quads aching and I could barely walk up my stairs I had to question the whole thing.
Why couldn’t I be happy with doing yoga and going to the gym?? Why must I kick my ass? Why do I need to lose any weight?
The answer of course is that I don’t. I am fine the way I am. We all are. But that doesn’t shake the fact that I want to.
But I found that whenever I mentioned to someone I wanted to lose 8 lbs I’d immediately back that up with musings on how I want to feel healthy and how I love my body ect.
And this desire makes me question whether or not I am falling into that patriarchal/consumerism quick sand that constantly makes women want to be something other than what they are.
It makes me wonder? Does wanting to lose a few pounds when I don’t really NEED to lose a few pounds make me less of a feminist??
It just seems that these days there is a big push to LOVE our bodies exactly the way they are. And of course I am all for that.
But can you love your body and simultaneously want to change it?
I suppose you can. But that doesn’t shake the fact that I feel like I am going against some Nasty Women girl code because it is a sheer act of rebellion to say fuck standards, my body is my body and I don’t need to lose weight.
And again I know I don’t but I still want to. Not because I think it will make me prettier, sexier, more likable or even more fuckable.
I want to lose 8 lbs because I know I can. Because I know that not doing that feels lazy and not completely aligned with my thriving personality.
I think it comes down to this…
When we want to accomplish something it’s helpful to take a breath and consider the following:
Why do I want this? What will the outcome be? Will it actually make me happier? Does that really matter? Am I attached to this goal so tightly you’d have to pry my cold, chapped fingers from around it’s neck?
I know losing an arbitrary number of pounds will not actually make me happy. It will simply make me feel accomplished. For a moment. Maybe a few. And I will high five myself and then I will move on.
Goals are funny like that. They feel so big and so important and then when we crush them we realize that while we are bad ass for doing so, if we closed our eyes for the entire ride we missed quite a bit.
So keep your eyes open. The journey is always the most important part.
So what about you? Have you ever wanted to lose a particular amount of weight? How did it feel once you did? Or once you didn’t? I’d love to hear in the comments below.
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