I Don’t Mind if This Turns You On

About a month ago I decided to post the picture you see above on Instagram. 

I’ve been struggling with the best way to share my own deeply sexual nature with the world around me.

While exploring what seems like an infinite reservoir of sexuality and passion comes very naturally to me, putting it out there is a different story.  One that is often laced with shame and doubt thanks to my Catholic roots that feel tethered to me despite years of weed whacking the shit out of them.

It’s not like I haven’t been sharing these pieces for the past year but I feel like I’ve hit a wall.

Like I want to go deeper but some of the people in my life may be uncomfortable with it. So I need to find that balance.

And I know I don’t have to put myself out there in a visual or even more expressive way. I can simply explore this through my writing and my relationships.

But there is a very big piece of me that wants to continue to push my own edge around being seen and understood as a sexual being.

So I put this pic out and it was very well received.

And then I got a DM.

(I got a few actually but want to focus on this particular one.)

It was from a dude in the yoga world (not a student) that I know.

He asked me the seemingly innocuous question how have you been?

Instantly I was like hmmmm. Coincidence that I just posted a hot ass pic of myself on this same social platform??

So I played along and we chatted a for little about work and life and such.

Then he trepidatiously mentioned the pic, telling me I looked hot.

I thanked him because well I was flattered. I mean I know I look hot in this pic but I was also fine with him telling me so.

And he let me know he felt really hesitant to compliment me, which I totally get.

As a woman and a feminist I think we have a right to put ourselves out there in any way we desire and not be seen as sex objects. But at the same time I think if we want to put ourselves out there sexually and create an energy of lust and desire that its totally our choice. 

To me it’s not about just being respected as a yoga teacher and a coach and a woman. It’s about also understanding that I am a sexual being and therefore may be turning you on from time to time.

Which is what happened in this case with said yoga dude.

And I could tell he was holding back but also really wanted me to know that I was turning him on, because as we went back in forth in true DM fashion, he started to let it spill out in as respectful of a way as he possibly could.

And I received it because well I was ok with it. It was fun.

And (in case you are a year late to my life on this blog) I am Polyamourous which means I can flirt and connect with whomever I wish and feel absolutely A-ok about it because no one is being disrespected in the process.

And then as he continued to reveal just how much my pic was turning him on I started to feel a little cautious.

Like what did he actually want from this conversation? Just to compliment me? Or to flirt and call it a day? (Not that he was actually even flirting. He was really just admitting he felt a particular way.) Or to see how far how far I would go in this little game?

I’m actually still not sure. Because once I started to feel cautious I basically told him to have fun with his desires and peaced out.

And that was that. Case closed.

Until I got curious and decided to open it back up a few weeks later.

Started with a simple what’s up and ended with me asking if he wanted to grab a drink.

And I didn’t have any expectations for this drink. It just felt like I shared something different and cool with this person and I wanted to explore it.

Maybe that would be casual and end with a hug and a fist pump. Or maybe not. I didn’t really care. I just like putting myself out there and seeing what happens.

So I did. And despite a very vigorous back and forth of casual convo this particular message basically ended in crickets.

And no drink.

Hmmm so fascinating. I can’t help but make me wonder why some people do what they do.

I mean clearly dude was attracted to me. So why not have a drink? I can’t say. There could be tons of reasons.

Girlfriend?

Taken back by my forwardness?

Just not into it?

But perhaps maybe he just wanted my permission to be attracted to me. To see me in a sexual way.

I mean I know most dudes don’t give a shit. But he seemed to.

So to set the record straight. Even though I am a leader in my community, even though I teach yoga and spirituality and guide people through deep transformation, I am also a wild sexy woman who enjoys expressing myself sexually. 

And I am totally cool if in the process it turns you on. I mean we are bound to turn someone on or be turned on by someone from time to time.

As long as we respect each other I think it’s all good.

Because when all is said and done we are all just sexual beings.