The Fine Art of Being in Love with and Loving More than One Person

When my fiancé and I decided to open our relationship over a year and a half ago I have to admit I didn’t really know what I was getting myself into…

I was all I’m not afraid of loving more than one person. Love is beautiful. We are meant to love lots of people. I love more than one friend. I love more than one parent. And on and on I went on my nonconforming high horse.

And it’s true. I’m still not afraid of loving more than one person.

It actually makes so much sense for me. Sometimes I feel like the Energizer bunny of love. I feel so much. And love so hard. And have SO much energy. So spreading it out feels so natural.

And I am ok with my fiancé loving someone else. It doesn’t feel like it diminishes his love for me in any way. Because really that’s not how love works. It’s not currency. It’s energy. And I believe it to be limitless.

But then it happened. All of this love stuff went from just an idea to something I really needed to be with.

All of the sudden I found myself in completely new territory and my GPS was broken. And ducking under the radar was not an option.

I mean sure there are books on this shit but still. Can a book really tell you how to be in love?  With more than one person? I don’t think so.

So here I am, about to celebrate being with my partner for one whole year and my mind is still a little boggled.

Like I’m doing it. I’m Polyamorous. I am in deep love with two amazing men.

What the fuck?!

And in the past few months my partner has opened up. Because his life had shifted in a way that has given him more space to love me.

His love for me is no longer just in his head and his heart. It’s on his lips and in his actions and his words.

And slowly I am receiving it. But it not always easy.

I got comfortable being the one who was in love with him. The one who said it first. The one who was in control of it.

But I’m no longer in control.

I’m no longer just loving. Now I am loved.

And while being loved is such a beautiful experience it can also be scary.

I feel so damn vulnerable sometimes.

Being Poly has pushed my buttons like nothing else ever has.

I’m not just in one relationship where I can throw caution to wind and not worry about anyone but my love and myself.

There are more people to consider. There is my fiancé. And my parnter’s wife. And his children. And any other people either one of us decided to bring into the mix. And on and on.

It’s this beautiful web of interconnectedness that forces me to be mindful and to realized that it isn’t just about me.

My actions affect more than just one and then another.

I can’t be selfish. I mean I could but it wouldn’t really work.

We all must be honest. We all must compromise.

We all won’t always get our way.

And I LOVE to get my way.

So you can see how this can pose a challenge to the greedy 5 year old inside of me that knows just what buttons to push in order to get the sweet treat at the grocery store check out.

But what has been particularly challenging for me lately is realizing that this man in my life that I have been with for a year wants to do those things for me and with me.

Like compromise. And spend more time with me. And that we are in an actual relationship.

I know this may sound strange like of course he does why wouldn’t he?! You’ve been together for a year! 

But this isn’t a regular monogamous relationship. It’s not just the two of us. We have our anchor partners to consider. So our evolution has been slower than my past relationships because it took us longer to get our footing.

This shit was so new for all of us.

It’s felt more contained. Like we can’t just go wild and spend every day together and do the things a lot of new couples do.

So it’s different. And the conditioned pieces still rumbling around in my chest are often very confused.

It’s like I’ve been in a relaxing bubble bath but have been holding the edged of the tub because I didn’t realize there was a bottom to hold me.

Slowly my grip is softening and I’m beginning to let go.

Realizing that I am loved. Like really loved.

Living your own path, a path that most don’t subscribe to, can be quite arduous at times.

But I’ve always known this is what I am meant to do. Following the pack has never felt right to me.

I am in this life for the wild, messy transformation. I am in this life to GROW.

Not to conform. Not to blindly say yes to ways of being that just don’t work for me.

So yes, sometimes it’s tough but it’s so worth it.

Because love is love.

And I really love love.