What Do You Really Want to Hear When You Ask Me What’s New??

This weekend I was facilitating a workshop at a woman’s retreat and after getting everyone grounded and in their bodies I went around and had them tell me in one word how they were feeling.

Every single person said something positive. Like peaceful. Calm. Relaxed.

Instantly my bullshit detector went off.

Not to say that I thought they were lying. I didn’t.

Also not to say that a group of women can’t all feel positive. But my intuition told me otherwise.

It felt like because they were at a retreat that they are supposed to feel those thing or else they were doing to totally wrong.

So I did something I seldom do.

I had them close their eyes again and check in and see if in addition to that feeling if there were any additional feelings. I also gave them permission to feel something negative if that was what came up.

So when we went around again they could say the same word or another word. Any feeling at all.

The second round answers were WAY different:

Self Doubt. Anxious. Overwhelmed. Tired. Annoyed.

See what happens when we have permission to get honest and real??Truth happens.

And it got me thinking about these two phrases that we say to each other ALL THE TIME.

How are you doing?? and What’s New?? 

I hate these questions. Because I don’t want to just say I‘m good.

Because sometimes I’m not good.

Like yesterday when I was sad and exhausted because my partner and I (you know the one I wrote about JUST last week?!) are going through something.

When I was asked how are you doing did they really want to know that??

Or when someone asks me what’s new?

Should I tell them about my recent sexual adventure I had? Because that is definitely new!

Or that I got back on OK Cupid and am excited and nervous to be going on dates after 8 months of just having 2 boos?

Or that on Sunday I was super triggered and literally cried like 7 times that day?

Are these the things people want to hear when they ask me how am I doing and what’s new? Because I don’t really think it is.

Not because they don’t care but simply because we are usually in passing and they don’t have time to listen or hold space for my truth.

I don’t really have a solution to this. Sometimes if I’m having a hard day I say I’m going through it right now. And they just nod and we have a moment. That feels good.

And I often try and ask people how they are feeling. Instead of doing. Because that’s what I’m really interested in.

But of course that stupid phrase will tumble out of my lips and probably your lips as well.

It’s such a staple in our society of seeing each other with out really SEEING each other.

But there are those moments. When the masks come off and the truth is revealed.

Those are my favorite moments. The moments I cherish.

The moments when we get REAL.

And in between I’m going to try my very best to retire the word good from my vocabulary.

Because that doesn’t tell anyone shit.

And I like it best when we are all raw and real.