Casual sex gets a bad wrap.
Ok let’s be real. Most sex outside of the neat container of a monogamous relationship is basically swaddled in a blanket of shame and judgement.
I believe sex to be an expression of creativity, part of my self care and one of the most fun and pleasurable things I’ve ever done.
I mean how cool is it that we have the opportunity to engage in an act that can simultaneously gives us pleasure, is a work out, relaxes us, connects us, gets us out of our head and at times allows us to explore deep truths about ourselves?
This shit is amazing. I thank my lucky stars that I have allowed myself to become more open to my sexual possibilities.
But recently I’m wondering about casual sex. Can it be conscious?
In plainer terms can you have a sexual relationship with someone that is based on sex, doesn’t turn into a serious relationship but is also deep and powerful and connected?
I mean I know the answer is yes but the Catholic in me says it’s not possible.
What I’ve been playing with in the hidden corners of my mind is this question…
Am I capable of engaging with someone in a more casual way while still honoring my consciousness and keeping my vibration high?
Because when I look back on my early twenties I had a nice amount of unconscious sex. I had a nice amount of unconscious everything.
I also had casual sex but always wrapped it in a very particular package.
In my mind I hoped that anyone I engaged with would one day be my boyfriend, even if we had literally nothing in common and he was a hot mess.
And when I consider it, I think it was my way of making the sex I was having acceptable.
If I at least wanted more from this person then I wasn’t a sex crazed slut. I was simply someone who was being mistreated by an asshole guy who couldn’t commit and just wanted sex.
But what if I just wanted sex? Women just want sex too. Loads of them. It’s just not celebrated or accepted like it is for men.
But now, a decade and a half later I am in this Poly lifestyle but still find myself mostly following the rules of monogamy only now in two relationships.
In reality I am open and free to engage in whatever way I desire. But still, old habits die hard.
For me whatever I do needs to have an element of grounded consciousness. Communication. Respect.
And I think because of our stigma around casual sex we are conditioned to think that if we have those qualities with someone then we will get thrust into a more serious relationship.
And sometimes I think this does happen. But I also think that it is possible to just have conscious loving sex.
It’s all about the intention we put into things but also stripping away the limiting beliefs we often have as a result of conditioning.
Sometimes I wonder what this beautiful world would be like if we all allowed ourselves to feel what we want to feel and love how we want to love and fuck how we want to fuck.
Because I don’t think we do. And if we did, with consciousness and intention and integrity. Wow. Just wow.
8 comments
It’s difficult having realizations like this while in a marriage. Sigh…
It’s interesting you should say this because just a few days ago someone who has been married for a while reached out to me with a MAJOR breakthrough or this nature. So it is definitely possible.
I just found some amazing resources here: https://www.morethantwo.com/polyamory.html
Awesome!! I will check it out. Thank you!
I’m currently wondering about this too. In the past after a breakup, I would enter into what I refer to as “slut phases”, lots of casual encounters, handful of legit one night stands, but also just very empty experiences, and 100% distractions to soothe me from my pain. Last summer I kept this to one person, but then ended up really hurting them when they didn’t believe me when I said what we were doing was temporary even if I was being very loving. It was awful hurting someone I genuinely cared about, but I was never going to reciprocate their feelings. So this time around I decided to consciously avoid men, and I’m coming up on 6 months of this next week, but I had an encounter with someone last week and it’s like an entire part of my personality has been reawakened. The dilemma is that he’s a marine, about to deploy, and with having given that all up for a decent chunk of time, it feels special again and while my vagina very much wants this man, the rest of me feels like this isn’t the way to re-introduce this to my life, but I don’t want it to be a “thing” either. I cried after this man kissed me, which still feels ridiculous, but I’m still in the midst of heartbreak, and honestly I guess currently afraid of intimacy. He’s only in town through the end of the week and wants to see me again and flirting has been fun, I missed it, but I feel so uneasy, I haven’t felt impressed by someone in a long time so I am eager to see him again but unsure of how to maintain the distance I think my heart still needs…
Oh wow. This is exciting. Thank you for sharing. Trust yourself. You, your body, your intuition knows what best. Listen. And remember that a lot of times our decisions are informed from conditioning and other people’s shit. Enjoy your beautiful adventure.
Yes! I relate to this so much. The last man I slept with I talked myself into “liking” and wanting a relationship with when really all we had in common was this amazing sex we were having. I let him go once when he upset me by blowing me off on a day we had plans and then when he came back around the sex was so good I starting hanging with him again and then again I convinced myself that maybe we would make a good couple although we had not much in common and I wasn’t attracted to him (at all) outside of the bedroom. I think my issue is I love having good sex but I also want a relationship so I am inpatient about finding a partner to be in a meaningful relationship with and in the meantime I still want to get laid!!!!
Yes. Thank you for sharing this!! It’s so fascinating what we will talk ourselves into so we feel better about our choices because we’ve been socialized to believe wanting purely sexual relationship as a woman is wrong.
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