For the past two years my main focus has been relationships.
They basically consumed my thoughts, my experiences and my conversations.
I resisted this for a while because I thought it was a distraction and I felt guilty.
I didn’t get as much work done, I didn’t get as much sleep and a LOT of my shit kept coming up.
I felt like I was doing something wrong or being a shitty feminist who was spending all of my time thinking about (at the time) men instead of doing bad ass things.
But now I realize this was just my moment. This was just my particular learning curve.
Now I realize that I was healing. The BIG stuff.
For so long I was just trying to figure out how to make my new relationship work and stay grounded in my long term relationship.
But I kept bumping into walls and cones and detours and all other kinds of annoying things that happen when there is construction and you are already late to work.
Finally I started to lean into it. I started to work with my couples therapist in a few one on one sessions.
Finally I was ready. To heal.
There was this moment in a Skype session with my therapist when he said one simple thing to me that felt like it changed the structure of my cells.
He told me I don’t sit with my emotions but instead I try to process them away or move them through my body.
Now there is certainly a time on place for those thing but I was never just allowing myself to BE with them and my partners we taking the brunt of that.
This came as a shock to me. I know it shouldn’t because I was the one doing it but in that moment something clicked.
I started taking more ownership for my emotions. I started listening more. Things began to change.
So now a few months into those shifts I can see why my focus on relationships was so important. It was my time to heal these particular pieces of myself and my relationships were the avenue.
It’s so easy to resist and judge and question ourselves and our moments. Often life is just trying to show us the way. But that way is usually through and not around. So it will probably be uncomfortable. But also totally worth it.
Of course I’m not saying my work is done in that arena. It’s not. But I’m in a bit more of a grounded space with it all.
And now I feel my energy shifting to focus on my projects and new collaborations and new offerings because I actually have the space to do so.
Well I will after my wedding that is. Planning that also takes up some space.
But that’s the thing. Space. We move in ebbs and flows. One moment we will be focused on this and then next it’s something else.
Very rarely are things balanced with our exact time and energy. And that’s ok. We simply need to be willing to move with the tides. To trust. To listen.
Often when we do that in time it will make sense.
In the meantime, wide the waves and watch out for the jellyfish.