Confident AF or Wildly Insecure?

I dated a guy when I was in my early twenties for 3 years who presented himself as one of the most charismatic and confident people I had ever met (at the time).

But in reality he was the most insecure. He was paranoid. He was broken.

These days it’s much easier for me to see through those types of facades.

But recently, thanks to my therapist,  I’ve been connecting with the way I’ve been masking my own insecurities.

Specifically the ones around getting married while being poly.

This came up because I really want to make the fact that my fiance and I are polyamorous a part of our ceremony. It’s important to me to put this out there. To shout it from the tree tops!

But when I get honest with myself I can I feel the urge to shovel this information down people’s throats while shouting EXCEPT ME!!! Hmm yeah, that’s not confidence. 

And then there was the dream I had the other night…

I was on a beach and there were about 100 people circled around a massive beached turtle.

When I walked up it was on it’s back and tons of baby turtles were nestled in it’s underside. It looked so exposed and vulnerable.

Then it flipped over scooping up all of the baby turtles with it and moved faster than any turtle I’ve ever seen. It raced into the forrest.

Ten minutes later a cheetah came racing on the same path in the direction of the turtle and it’s babies.

I started freaking out because I was so worried about the turtle and it’s safety.

Eventually I woke up and upon coming to brought the realization with me that the turtle would totally be ok because it just needed to go into it’s shell and hide. In other words it was protected.

I shared this with my tribe and one of my students who happens to be a psychologist and interpreter of dreams responded with the suggestion that perhaps this dream was symbolic of my upcoming commitment ceremony.

Duh, how didn’t I see that?  Guess that’s why she’s the psychiatrist.

So yes. I’m insecure.

About the fact that I am Poly and not everyone excepts (or supports) it.

About the fact that I am moving into a deeper commitment and not everyone understands it.

About the fact that I am a wild, kinky, sexual being and it not everyone approves of it.

But the here’s the thing. Whenever our insecurities are being influenced by someone else (like I just demonstrated above) it is a big flashing light to turn the focus around.

I can blame this on my family, my Catholic upbringing, our conditioned society and I believe that would be completely valid but when all is said and done the privilege and honor and even the responsibility to choose my life lies in my hands and my heart. 

I have chosen my life and with our ceremony will be digging my roots and my intentions deep into the earth.

And to put it bluntly, that shit is scary.

I have always been someone who goes against the grain. But also I am someone who wants to be seen, heard and accepted. I want to be approved of.

So putting an unconventional display of my love and commitment out for all to see (turtle on the beach surrounded by all of my wedding guests) makes my feel very vulnerable.

But it is also encouraging me to get crystal clear about who I am and what I want. Over and over again.

So I want to remind you that it is ok to be scared and insecure about the choices you make. Especially when they are different.

It’s ok to want others to accept you, even though that won’t always happen.

I think so many people fit themselves into the boxes and the check lists and the jobs and the relationships that they are supposed to be in because for them it’s easier than actually doing what makes them happy. 

But I think the moment I decided to forgo law school because I realized the only reason I wanted to go was to fulfill some societal standard and be respected for the amount of money and clout I could accumulate I knew I was on a path to constantly be pushing my own edges.

I’m not going to lie. Sometimes pushing edges is exhausting. Sometimes I need a break.

What I do know is that I have this one life that I am going to live to the fullest and listen to my own heart as much as I possibly can all the while staying attuned to those moments when fear and doubt and guilt and shame come in.

My hope for you is that you do the same. In your own way of course.