On Sunday night I unexpectedly found myself on the stage of a popular Philly concert venue while dozens of Harry Potter fans screamed so loud for me I could hear the curdle in their lungs.
More on that in a bit…
Flashback to twenty years ago when I was on a stage in Cancun at Senor Frog’s for senior week, pink plastic yard in my clenched fist and red sugary drink spilled down my itsy bitsy top while what may be one of the most sexually exploitative songs ever written, “Girl I want to Make you Sweat” played.
Side note, I just this moment discovered Bob Marley sang that song. I’m feeling a way about this. His songs are usually so empowering and don’t have lyrics like “And if you cry I’m gonna push it some more.”
But I digress, now slightly traumatized…
All this is to say that in the past I led with my looks and my sexuality. Hard.
I danced on bars and made a scene and gave a lap dance to my friend in the middle of a dance floor.
And really there isn’t anything wrong with that. Except when there is.
I still sometimes lead with my sexuality these days. I have been in the midst of my sexual prime revolution for the past few years and have discovered unlocked pieces of myself that I adore.
Pieces that are kinky and explorative. Pieces that like to be tied up and dominated. Pieces that are attracted to both men and women.
So putting it out there is just fine by me.
But it’s all about intention.
The young Brittany on the stage was insecure AF. She needed her sexiness and beauty mirrored back to her on a regular basis. She clung to it tightly until her fingernails left deep indents on her palms.
She never lead with anything but that so no one really new how smart and talented she was. Including her.
Now things are a bit different. I put those pieces of myself out there because they are a part of who I am. A part that I am confident about.
And I’m not saying that sometimes I don’t need validation or get insecure. These things definitely happen.
If I send a sexy pic out to a partner and it doesn’t get the response I’m expecting best believe I feel deflated. We all have egos. They exist.
But now I don’t feel like I have something to prove. Now I know I have lots of bad ass qualities that encapsulate who I am so I don’t need to cling to the external quite so much.
Which brings me back to Sunday night. On stage. Harry Potter fans.
That night I dressed up like Professor Trewlany from Harry Potter, the most unsexy costume I have ever worn. At least in our social standards.
My hair was frizzy, I wore my glasses, I had on 2 dresses and a dowdy sweater. But damn did I look gooood.
I didn’t really think anything of it. I wasn’t even that excited to go as I just got back from a yoga ashram and knew the energy would be too intense.
But when I got there I started getting all of these compliments on my costume and several people asked to take our picture.
So when the host called people up on stage for the costume contest I thought maybe I had a shot to win.
There was this fascinating moment when I looked around and realized that I was 15-20 years older than a lot of the young ladies on the stage. Many of which had on short skirts with ties around their neck and cut off button down shirts tied above their navels.
I just for a moment thought, oh great I’m about to be humiliated by these young hotties but I pushed that thought away. It felt foreign and strange as I never think that way.
I’m not usually intimidated by hot people that are younger than me. I love my age. My late thirties are way better than my twenties.
One by one the DJ had the crowd choose between 2 different contestants. He left me until the very end. At that point I knew I had a pretty good chance.
And so when he waved his hand in my direction and they started hooting and cheering I jumped around the stage claiming my victory.
Yes it was just a silly contest but it felt like a new moment for me. A moment where sex didn’t win out. I’d expect nothing less from true Potter fans.
It can be challenging to be who you are in the midst of so many other people following the standards of what is expected of them. It can be easy to fall into those standards too.
And really this is why I practice yoga and meditation. Because it brings me back to myself. It reminds me that any voids I am trying to fill with compliments or validation or relationships can only be filled by my own recognition that I am truly enough.
It usually comes back to that simple but palpable truth.