I was out with a new friend this weekend and he shared a bit of information about himself that still has me ruminating and as a result is the topic for this week’s blog.
He told me he doesn’t really like to be nurtured.
At first my brain seized up as I tried to figure out how I would engage with someone who indeed doesn’t dig this way of being cared for.
This for sure is my go to, where my bag of tricks runs as deep as Mary Poppin’s purse.
It’s my safe zone, my power place, my way of being in control.
And suddenly I am presented with the possibility that this particular type of currency isn’t worth all that much.
So I started thinking about all the ways I nurture and what I get out of it and why it’s such a big part of my identity.
The first place I started was my role as a healer.
I started thinking about all the ways I offer healing to my students in my yoga classes, to my clients through my transformation coaching, to my friends, to my loves.
From yoga, to holding space, to telling friends and lovers what kinds of immune boosting methods to take, to making meals or smoothies for my boos, to pushing edges, to being a shoulder to cry on, to seeing and hearing others, my entire life revolves around my ability to nurture and heal.
It’s my sweet spot, the way I offer love and affection, the way I feel on purpose.
It’s also a trait that when left alone and unsupervised for too long can pull on my codependent cords and run amuck.
It feeds a piece of myself that yearns for love and affection, to be seen and heard and even validated.
It speaks to my wounds and the child inside who was ostracized and learned early that love was actually conditional and subject to being withheld.
I know that as a healer I am susceptible to wanting to help, guide and serve others and that while this is an admirable quality it is one I need to keep in check by doing my own work and understanding my truest and deepest intentions.
When I am nurturing others I am in control. I am allowing someone else to be vulnerable so I don’t have to be.
This can be a fabulous way to avoid my own shit, my own feelings and my own work.
It’s a corner I can duck into and hide out in but also feel comfortable and powerful and like I’m making a difference. Tricky tricky.
Because in many ways I am. But I must do my work or else I’m simply using my abilities as a healer to avoid myself.
And what I’ve been connecting with more and more is that when I have the urge to nurture someone in my life (especially a love) I best turn into myself and consider who I really need to be caring for. Because more times than not it’s myself. Not them.
As a result this will allow me to show up in a more neutral and unattached way so that I can hold space and give space all at the same time.
So that I can allow others to have their own path and their own way of moving through their transformation.
So that I can make sure I’m not avoiding myself.
And most importantly for me in this moment so that I can allow myself time and space to be vulnerable. Because healing is pretty much dependent on our ability to let go and let the truth in.
Ps When writing this week’s post I went back to a blog from Hala Khouri M.A. that if this post spoke to you I encourage you to read: http://halakhouri.com/if-you-are-a-yoga-teacher-admit-it-you-are-co-dependent-needy/