Understanding the Purpose of my Polyamory…

This quote has been ringing in my head for the past few weeks…

It is darkest right before the dawn.

As we approach the winter solstice and with it the darkness that asks to envelop us before we are then bathed in more and more light, I can’t help but feel the truth in all of this.

The past few days I’ve felt heavy. Sad. Pained. Like I was going backwards in my feelings and my healing and my hope.

Instead of fighting it I tried to simply let it be there.

Not bathe in it so deeply it floods my lungs causing me to drown but simply lie down with it for a while and let it show me its truth.

Last week’s article was a tough one for me. (I’d suggest giving it a read or the following may be a bit confusing).

Putting those truths out there the way I did, not knowing who might see it and read it felt scary but at the same time so very aligned.

Saying no to a new potential relationship that I knew deep down would only thrust me back into my infamous passion spiral with a side of anxiety felt empowering and at the same time laced with sorrow.

Because as I acknowledge and even accept the fact that these particular relationships aren’t healthy for me despite the fact that I keep attracting them, I can’t help but feel the loss.

These particular relationships occupy a coin that on one side offers wild passion and mind-blowing chemistry and a base line of anxiety and neediness on the other.

Pause.

I want to speak about “neediness” for a moment.

Having needs doesn’t make you needy. Some people will be able to fulfill your needs quite easily. Others will be overwhelmed by them. Neither person is fucked up or wrong. Sometimes we just meet someone who can’t fulfill our needs. That’s all. 

Moving on…

Once you see the truth and voice the truth it’s much harder to go against it.

So I can’t help but feel that I must say goodbye to that particular type of passion. A feeling and craving so strong that it knocks me off my center every single time but damn does it feel good and oh so fulfilling.

Of course I know it feels so good because it’s speaking to one of my deepest child wounds and has for decades allowed me to reignite and open that wound time and time again.

To prove that story over and over again.

That story being that I am not worthy of love.

Yet knowing this doesn’t deny the fact that my most passionate and sexually fulfilling relationships have always stemmed from this type of push/pull dynamic.

But in the past few days a new way of approaching this has begun to creep into my consciousness  tentatively testing the waters to see if I am yet able to entertain this new idea…

Just because the most unbridled passion and powerful chemistry has always come from this particular relationship dynamic doesn’t mean there aren’t other ways to experience it.

It’s just that this is the only door that I’ve ever walked through, the land is familiar and easy to access and I know the terrain well.

Perhaps there are ways to experience this in relationships that are steady and breathable too.

Maybe the mania that comes with these dynamics isn’t the only type of fuel that can feed the fire I seek.

And just like that a new way of considering myself and my ability to exist in my current relationships and those I will continue to call in was birthed.

I can feel how fragile it’s skin is as it is just a newborn concept but it’s alive inside of me and I don’t intend to let it die.

Instead I’m going to continue to feed  and nourish it. Because I love myself enough that I recognize I can receive everything I want in my relationships while feeling safe and sacred all the while.

I now see that my journey with Polyamory so far has been about understanding and healing these attachment patterns that I’ve had for as long as I can remember but also now becoming clear on what I want out of this journey moving forward. Feeling it in my bones and letting it occupy my cells so fully that I can’t help but attract it right to me. 

I see that I don’t have to figure out how it will all manifest. I just need to simply stay true to what I want and accept nothing less. Because I deserve nothing less.

So as we approach the solstice let us use the wisdom the darkness provides to bring these shadowy truths up to the surface and heal them once and for all.

LOVE. LOVE. LOVE.

PS This is my last blog of the year. I’ll be taking the next two weeks off to recharge and allow all the truths I have shared in the past few months to settle and take shape in the privacy of my own heart. See you in the new year.