When Really I Broke My Own Heart…

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A few months back (3 to be exact) I sat on the sofa in my therapist’s office a crumpled, weepy mess.

I was post breakup, grieving and oh so sad.

I also had a date scheduled the next night.

It wasn’t a first date, in fact I had been seeing him for a few months, instead it was a rescheduled date. Our last date had been scheduled for what turned out to be the day after my breakup.

Confused? I’m ethically non monogamous. Here’s the scoop on that.

Anyways, I had a date that my therapist promptly encouraged me to cancel.And yes, this makes total, logical sense but I kept the date and instead communicated my needs around how I was feeling with my date.

But I felt guilty about it. Still I forged ahead.

In the weeks that followed I was able to use this casual relationship to begin to shed light on habits and patterns that were harder to see in the relationship I was healing from.

Then it ended. I was ghosted actually. But this was because I used my words in a way that felt good. So I happily moved on.

And no, it didn’t trigger the rejection of my relationship that just ended. I easily let this one go.

Then I found myself once again seated on the sofa battling with my therapist. I was seeing a few more people now.

It would go something like this…

He’d lightly suggest that I take some more time to mourn and heal.

I’d tell him I AM MOURNING AND HEALING!!! But I am also choosing to explore with others because of XYZ and ABD and 123 and 678.

He’d ask me who am I trying to convince, him or myself.

I’d tell him to fuck off in my head and then go home and torment myself because I was going against my therapist.

Really I was afraid I was going against myself. More on that in a moment.

In the few months that followed I consciously dated a few more people.

I watched, I noted, I used it all as a classroom to learn more about myself and my habits.

And when I noticed something that wasn’t working or felt unhealthy I would either address it or end it.

And at times I’d notice I was avoiding my grief and at times I dive right in and feel the shit out of it.

Slowly I started to prove to myself that the way I was moving through this breakup was actually working for me.

Indeed I was healing and feeling my feelings and also learning new and fascinating things about myself.

But also, I was putting more time and energy into my primary relationship with my husband.

By turning into myself and using all of my interactions as a way to heal and build my own relationship with myself I was contributing to my relationship with my husband.

No longer did I feel the need to defend my actions. Because I believed in them.

Fast forward to my last session with my therapist.

I no longer felt the need to seek his approval. To get validation from him. Because I was finally giving it to myself.

It’s really easy to seek validation from others. We can get into a unhelpful habit of defending ourselves like Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Men. 

I mean, if I’m being honest with myself this blog can also be a way to do that too. Get validation. It just also happens to guide and inspire a lot of people too

We can get righteous. And defensive. And talk way too much. When this happens there is a very good chance we need to see what we truly believe about ourselves.

In those moments our trust may be wavering. But here’s the thing, no one else can build that trust for you. You must give that to yourself.

For me it took time. It took sticking with the movement in my life and letting it show me where to go. Once I saw how beneficial that was I was able to trust myself again.

Because for months I had betrayed my trust. When my relationship ended and I began to see the unhealthy pockets that stayed hidden like dust bunnies in a corner, I felt my faith in myself break.

I began to question my choices, my ability to call in healthy relationships, my ability to know what is best for me.

But these past few months were about rekindling that trust. I know that now. It was about proving to no one but myself that I am more capable than ever to handle the life I have chosen.

Sometimes we will break our own hearts. Sometimes we will betray ourselves. And it’s easy to project that on someone else but really that’s about us. We need to forgive ourselves.

The funny thing is I’ve finally gotten to a place where I’m not dating anyone.

I had to get there on my own though. In my own way. Otherwise it would have never worked, or stuck for that matter.

So here’s to forgiving ourselves and trusting ourselves and loving ourselves and getting there our own way.

Thoughts? Questions? I’d love to hear them in the comments below.