The First Relationship Where I didn’t Lose MySelf

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Last week while scrolling on Instagram I read a post written by man who was clearly very much in love.

He talked about wanting to talk to his current boo but being nervous and someone else spoke to her instead and fast forward he sees her months later and now they are spending “almost every day together.”

My eyes and my body for that matter, came to a screeching halt at the phrase “spending almost every day together.” You could see the tire marks smoking behind me.

Now I think it’s great this dude finally took a chance and met someone he is gaga over. Good for him.

But I’ve got to be honest, every time I hear about a couple who is inseparable I cringe just a bit.

Not because I’m not happy for them and not because I think there is anything inherently wrong with spending a ton of time with a new boo.

But I think that our culture tends to paint a picture of what love is and often it’s that of the manic, can’t-get enough-of-you, I want to wear you like a back pack and take you everywhere because without you I am incomplete scenario.

This I have a problem with.

Because in this we risk giving ourselves up.

Have you ever said (or heard a friend) say I totally lost myself in that relationship? THIS is what I’m talking about.

In a recent interview I did with yoga teacher/yoga therapist and addictions recovery specialist Nikki Meyers, she spoke about co-dependency and gave the best definition I’ve ever heard.

She said codependency is “the loss of one’s self.”

So basically anything that takes us out of ourselves, our power, our purpose.

This could be a relationship, food, shopping, social media, alcohol, drugs ect. And not that all of these are bad. They are not. But when we use them to avoid or lose ourselves, then they can be harmful.

And that manic way in relationships was my go to for many years.

I thought that if we both wanted nothing more than to only be with each other 24/7 then THAT was a solid relationship.

Meanwhile everything else is falling to the side as I plunge myself into the relationship.

But this didn’t happen when I met my husband, Nick. It’s not his way. He’s grounded and steady and secure.

His boundaries allowed me to land in our relationship in a much different way.

And no it wasn’t just him, I was ready for this kind of relationship. One that was independent, secure, steady, dependable.

And here we are 7.5 years later and we still have a tremendous amount of independence.

When we grocery shop we kiss and then break coming back together at the end.

We rarely go to bed together because Nick is a night owl and I like to get to bed much earlier.

When we go dancing we do our own thing and come together every now and then.

And of course there is the fact that we are polyamorous. That’s a big one.

This is the first relationship I’ve ever had where I didn’t “lose myself.” If anything, being together has only allowed me to strengthen my own commitment and connection to myself.

And I’m not saying that every relationship needs to be as independent as ours, I just think this kind of relationship isn’t celebrated enough.

It feels socially acceptable to completely put who you are on a shelf while you merge with someone else, especially for women.

And let me just say that this kind of relationship is SUPER alluring to me and is the reason why most of my relationships since we opened have had this type of energy.

But what I’ve come to learn is that love doesn’t need to be manic to be amazing.

Love can be quiet, calm and simple and passion can be in the quiet corners of your consciousness coming out in those special moments as opposed to being a volcano that burns everything in it’s path.

It’s taken me a long time to understand this. My first experiences of love where anything but steady and secure and my attachment style is one that triggers those manic anxious responses.

Our relationships give us a wonderful opportunity to learn so much about ourselves but they can also be a fabulous way to avoid the shit out of ourselves by obsessing about the drama and delight and the lust.

The more I turn into myself the more I see when this is happening and the more I strengthen my relationship with myself the more I want to call in relationships that allow me to stay firmly rooted in me.

And if you ask me that’s the best place to be.