It was Saturday morning and I sat on the concrete steps next to the yoga studio for the class I was about to take.
Despite the deep breaths I was forcing into my confused lungs I was nervous as fuck and felt like I might puke.
Seconds later I saw the reason for my uneasiness walking down the street.
It was my ex.
Pause. I hate that term. It feels harsh and wildly cliché. Can we come up with another term for this please? Cause this one sucks.
Moving on.
After breaking up 5 months before and deciding to not talk or see each other so we could take space and heal, we were meeting up.
And let me just say our little reunion was as conscious as our break up, which included homemade enchiladas and margaritas, deep honest conversion, meditation, heart benches (it’s a yoga thing), connected intimacy, zero fighting, lots of tears and hard goodbyes.
This time we decided to meet outside of the yoga studio and then take a class so we could process however we were feeling before talking.
Genius idea by the way and HIGHLY recommended. Yes, it was mine.
So there we were outside the yoga studio seeing each other for the first time. Me about to puke.
Then we hug. And in my head I’m like… This is so weird. We are hugging. And we are still hugging. Are we going to stop hugging?? Nope. Still hugging. Damn our always felt so good. Still do. I missed this. Fuck I might throw up.
At least I was present. That’s all I can say about that.
Then we enter the yoga studio to find a dear friend, who has met him on more than one occasion, sitting on the bench in the studio. She sees us and says… Oh you’re back in the game!!
Clearly the Universe sent her to calm my nerves by making me laugh. Thank you Universe.
After class we had brunch and a long walk on Kelly drive where I realized and communicated I had to hold my hands behind my back to keep myself from touching him because well that is what my body was so used to doing.
His hands were shoved in his pockets. Samesies.
Another side note. Bodies are amazing and extremely fascinating.
I have the blessing and the curse of being so deeply in touch with mine that I could feel the pull on my arms and the tug in my gut when I was around him. It was a complete somatic experience.
The thing is that I’ve never in my 38 (almost 39) years experienced this before.
When relationships with partners in the past ended we just shifted right into friendship the very next day.
I even lived with one for 8 months after. Because I was done and it felt easy to make that shift.
Eventually those friendships drifted apart and we no longer speak.
But this is uncharted territory. Hence the big feels.
So now here I am a few days later and this is what I know to be true…
- We both want to see if we can shift our relating into a friendship.
- There is still both love and attraction present between us.
- I know clearly I don’t want to date him again.
- My husband is fully supportive of my decision because he is amazing and I’m committed to putting him first. (Remember, we’re poly.)
- This could end up being a disaster.
- I won’t know this unless I try.
- I want to try.
- I feel a nice dose of shame because I want to try.
- I don’t want people to think I’m a fool.
- Maybe I am a fool and who gives a shit.
As my husband told me from experiences in his past, if you want to be friends with him them just be friends. Move and act like that from now on.
Hmm can I do that? Sure, why not.
My husband has a secure attachment style so this comes much easier for him than someone like myself with an anxious attachment style.
But this I also know to be true, we can’t be afraid of making mistakes. This feels like something I have to do so I’m going to do it. And sure it could turn out to be a disaster but I won’t know unless I follow my heart and trust myself and just do it.
It doesn’t matter what pop culture says about these things. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. What matters is that I have to own my choices and trust myself enough to make and follow through with them.
And I trust myself by feeling my way through these situations and being honest with myself along the way.
Sometimes life is hard to navigate, especially when we choose to live it unconventionally.
But the beauty of life is allowing those scary thrusts into the unknown to remind us of how strong and powerful we are.
And for me, living in this way feels the most authentic, so live it I will.
May you find your own authentic way to life and do it. Every damn day.