It’s Not a Dirty Little Secret

1.3K

Way back in January when we were all busy creating our resolutions and buffing the shine into the sparkly new year I was reunited with a piece of what very much felt like my past.

I discovered I had an HSV outbreak.

Now if you are new here this may feel like a big reveal. It’s not.

I came out about this almost 3 years ago, shared the article on Huff Post and it went viral.

So the STI cat has been out of the bag for quite some time.

And while it was incredibly scary to share, it felt like I scraped at least 3 layers of shame off of myself in the process.

Shortly after that I opened my relationship and something changed.

Instead of attracting people who were freaked out about my STI and shamed me as a result, I attracted people who either had a former partner who had it or they had it themselves.

In other words it wasn’t a big deal for them.

They accepted this part of me and we moved forward barely giving it another thought beyond the safe sex precautions we would normally take.

It felt so good to know that I shifted something inside of myself that allowed me to transform the kind of person I was attracting.

And so the STI was no big deal. No one cared. Life was chill and sexy and fun.

Only now it feels a big deal. Because 4 months into the new year the initial outbreak never went away. Not fully.

It’s playing a very frustrating game of hide and seek with my body. It’s gone for a week, it comes back, gone for 2 days, it comes back.

And as a result my sexual adventures, which have become a big part of my identity (and as a result I’m feeling quite a bit of attachment to at the moment) have been put on the back burner.

At first I used it as a sign that I wasn’t ready to date again. I realized I was still healing from my breakup and needed some space.

So I took that space and gave my body and my heart much needed to room to heal.

And that felt like a step in the right direction. Like I was listening to my body, taking it’s cues and as a result I would be rewarded with no more outbreaks.

Only that’s not what happened. They kept coming.

And now I watch as my mind continues to ruminate over and over like a broken spin cycle in search of meaning that will make this go away.

But really it’s all just bullshit. If I’m being truly honest with myself I don’t really give a shit about the meaning. Not really. I’m just trying to find a way to heal myself and be outbreak free. Because this sucks. And if that means being all spiritual about it and learning a lesson well then fine, I’ll do it.

Woosh. That felt good to admit. Because as I write this I am realizing it’s true.

I mean sure I really do want to honor my body’s needs. I do want to listen.

But at this point I’ve got a vice grip on the outcome. I am faking myself out and my body totally knows it.

I am trying desperately to figure this out, to understand the meaning, to heal, heal, heal.

Even as I write this my mind is thinking hmm maybe THIS will do the trick!

But nothing is going to “do the trick.” This is something I can not control.

And maybe, just maybe this doesn’t have a meaning. Maybe it just is. I have a virus and right now it’s active. End of story.

Even as I say this my mind is raging with explanations and excuses and ways to be heard and understood.

But presences isn’t trying to figure shit out. Presence is simply letting things be.

Everything I’ve “tried” so far has had a big fat agenda. So I can’t help but wonder what would happen if I just stopped.

Stop trying. Stopp creating meaning. Stop figuring it out.

Giving up and surrendering are two very different things. What I’m speaking of is surrendering.

So let me ask you…

Where in your life are you struggling like I’ve been? Where in your life have you been transfixed on figuring something out so much that it feels like an obsession?

What would it feel like to stop?

Sit with that for a bit. I know I will be.

And of course feel free to DM me your thoughts or leave them in the comments below.