My Heart Won’t Let Go of Her Pain

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I’m going to be honest with you (of course I am, that’s my thing). I REALLY do not feel like writing this blog today.

In fact I may be having one of the most unproductive weeks EVER.

I feel like a combination between a sloth and a slug who still finds time to practice yoga, meditate and work out.

I was supposed to write it yesterday but I was so damn sad I didn’t have the mental energy.

I feel the heaviness today. Weighted with the understanding that what I “think” is supposed to be healed isn’t.

The ways I “think” my heart should be ready to move on are not quite realized.

My heart is stubbornly holding on to her pain like a baby who grabs a hold of your hair and will not let go.

Have you ever had a baby yank on your hair? That shit hurts. They are strong. So of course I simply try to pry it out of her greedy fingers.

Only my heart isn’t a baby and I can’t pry pain away. It doesn’t work that way. It needs to heal.

If you’ve been reading my blog for a bit you know what this is about. Don’t make me say it. I’m exhausted by it.

But at this point it more feels like the exact topic doesn’t really matter. What matters is how I feel.

At times, most times actually, I feel amazing. I feel healed. I feel complete with that piece of my grieving.

Then a few weeks later reality comes and slaps me across the face. And then it feels like I’ve taken a step back. Ten would be more accurate.

It’s hard for me to accept this. Especially right now because I really thought I was on the other end of this breakup. There, I said it.

There is a piece of myself that feels like I shouldn’t be dragging this shit out. I am feeling quite impatient with myself.

I’ve done my work, I’ve spent months feeling my feelings and crying and meditating and practicing yoga and working out and going to therapy and healing myself.

I feel like a damn fool who wants to grab myself by my shoulders and shake while shouting, “Get over it already!! This shit is over. Let it go!”

In those moments it’s hard to be kind and loving towards myself.

In those moments I realize how hard I can be on myself, a fact I am coming to understand more and more.

But what I know is that healing isn’t a linear process. It doesn’t work that way. Sometimes it zigs, other times it zags.

Sometimes it feels like I’m cruising and other times it feels like I am doing the moonwalk back 5 months. And I suck at moonwalking.

But the more compassion and patience and love I can offer myself the more I am honoring my process of healing.

I can offer myself the space to feel and breath and simply be. Acceptance. It really does go a long way.

I need to listen more. Like really listen. And in order to truly listen my ego needs to take a back sit. I need to let go of myself and became a container.

Otherwise I am just waiting for my turn to talk.

I need to drop my agenda, as hard as that is to do. We tend to get so caught up on how things are supposed to be. This can create such turmoil.

But I will do these things. I am going to show up for myself in the best way I possibly can. Even if there is a piece of me that expected this to be complete.

Because I’m worth it. I’m worth the time and energy and effort it takes to love myself and trust myself and listen to myself.

And you’re worthy of all of these things too. Whatever you’re struggle is right now, I see you. Move slowly. Trust deeply.