It was Saturday afternoon and I found myself swinging gingerly in a hammock with a new friend I just so happened to be on a date with.
Little by little my excitement for this person began to dwindle.
We met on OK Cupid. We hit it off right away.
Our connection on the app shifted to a fun and bantery texting thread that both delighted and tantalized me. I was eager to learn more.
He checked many of the boxes- thoughtful, super successful, , attractive, funny, passionate and genuinely interested in learning more about me.
It was easy to talk to him and it felt exciting to feel giddy about a new person.
So when we met on Saturday I had high hopes.
Expectations, they are like a spider web intricately woven just waiting for the moment to get you all tangled.
We started with brunch and after a few awkward/nervous moments that happen when you realize you are complete strangers who have been text messaging for several days, we fell into an easy flow of conversations and deep getting-to-know-yous.
There were moments where I wondered if we were a fit but still I was enjoying myself and his company. It was nice to be sitting in the sunshine and sharing a moment with someone new.
Then we hit the hammocks and little by little what I was beginning to notice started to give me pause.
I was talking about a podcast and referred to a man as “cis-gendered,” to which he replied, “I don’t know what that means.”
After I explained that cis-gendered is the term used to describe people who identify with the gender they were born he questioned why that is necessary.
As I explained a bit deeper I mentioned the use of they/them pronouns and again he was lost on the purpose and importance.
I explained that it’s important for people who are non-binary to be able to identify in a way that feels right to them. He questioned the grammatical correctness of it. (FYI singular “them” is totally a thing).
Next he tried to massage my feet. He had already been massaging my calves and that was just fine. I was enjoying my time with him and did feel attracted to him. But I asked him not to touch my feet. I was deeply in need of a pedicure and just wasn’t feeling it.
He responded by saying, “Ohh come on, its ok.”
To which I responded, “Do you know what enthusiastic consent is?” He never heard of it.
So then I explained that enthusiastic consent is when someone clearly and enthusiastically communicates that they want to engage in whatever you are offering.
And that in our culture where men often are encouraged to push their agenda and women are socialized to defer to men, that this is SO important.
While he did listen and slightly agree, he eventually changed the subject to my tattoo.
Ok so first let me just say that as I write this it sounds worse that it was. I feel like I’m making him out to be a massive dick. He wasn’t.
His reactions and responses weren’t dismissive or mean, just indicative of his lack of awareness towards the many privileges he occupies.
He asked questions and tried to understand some of the terms and ideas that I was speaking about. But he just genuinely never heard of them.
Second, I have never been one to explain a bunch of stuff to a person I am dating. This is not my way. I enjoying having conversations that are stimulating where we are both contributing our knowledge.
Plus, I don’t know everything there is to know about the above topics but I do try to educate myself as much as possible on the ways that I can be supportive and an ally to those who are marginalize and mistreated.
I’m not perfect. I have ignorance and prejudice coursing through my veins and I think it’s important to be in conversations about these topics and if someone is unaware to offer them some information.
I want to be compassionate as much as possible because we are all on different places of waking up and understanding this shit.
But I’m not dating to take on the project waking someone the fuck up. As someone who offers others support and guidance on a regular basis it’s important to me to call in friends and lovers who are aware of the social injustices in the world and are working on themselves in an effort to be part of the solution.
While not knowing a few terms doesn’t mean he’s completely ignorant, I just got the sense that we were in very different places.
And honestly I didn’t like what being around him brought out in me. I became judgemental and found myself making these faces at him that indicated I was not on board with what he just said. Not fun.
So as much as I did enjoy this man’s company in other ways I know I can’t continue to see him.
And that’s ok. Because it’s not my job to “fix” anyone. Not my friends, or my family, or my lovers or even my clients and students.
I can be myself and speak my truth and answer a question if I know the answer. I can listen and choose who I open myself up to. That is my choice.
And while I sometimes struggle with the responsibility it feels like I have toward moving these conversations forward I also know I don’t have to do that through my dating life.
That is what this blog is for…
I’d love to here your thoughts on this one. Would this be deal breaker for you? Why or why not?