So I’ve got myself a new boo.
After nine months of wading in the bog of eternal despair (Labyrinth fans did you catch that??), crying buckets of big fat tears and feeling the shit out of my feelings I’ve met someone new.
And that alone is surprising and exciting and overwhelming AF. I didn’t think I would meet someone I connected with so strongly so fast.
Relating to this new boo feels effortless.
I feel seen and heard. My needs are understood and met. Communication is easy and effective and real. I feel able to show up in my primary relationship like never before.
Shit just works.
It’s pretty sweet actually. So clearly I’m scared shitless.
I mean it’s new and there is still so much to learn but at the same time it feels really good to just be in it, experiencing the feels. Even if they do freak me out sometimes.
Yet the only time there is a “problem” is when my own fears and insecurities pounce on me with a ferocious fury reserved for a lion catching it’s prey.
Because it’s new and this particular way of relating in a Poly relationship or really most relationships in my past is so damn foreign.
The push/pull, tug of war, clawing to get my needs met because I feel unsafe isn’t happening. In fact it’s just the opposite.
This man pours affection on me with effortless ease and is SO good at communicating his feelings and owning his shit. It’s pretty amazing.
But I’m not used to it. Men are socialized to keep their feelings bottled up and I’ve spent many hours holding space for those emotions to spring from the shadows and dance into the light in dozens of past relationships.
What happens when the role you are used to taking is no longer needed? Because that’s what’s happening here.
I’m being asked to show up in a new and for me, unprecedented way. In a way that requires me to receive big time. In a way that asks me to receive this affection and as a result claim my worthiness.
THAT. SHIT. IS. SCARY.
Because I’ve never let a man who floods me with affection in before. I remember I attracted a bunch in my twenties and was instantly turned off.
And yes, my primary love absolutely fills me with affection and love but this is something we grew into as speaking to my love language of word of affirmation didn’t come easily to him at first.
Receiving in this way is never the role I was used to taking. I am always the one who does the pouring. So there are moments when it feels so damn vulnerable.
And yes, I often say vulnerability is my super power but that’s only when I’m in control of it. Like this blog for example. This is different.
Recently I’ve been able to sit back and watch all of the ways I deflect and resist true vulnerability because it’s scary and uncomfortable and unfamiliar.
I’ve been able to watch as my mind weaves a story and projects my ancient fears and traumas onto someone who doesn’t actually let himself get swallowed up by them. In other words he doesn’t get pulled into my shit. He just let’s it be mine.
And now I’m seeing my shit before it consumes me. It’s a few miles ahead like a tornado you see coming and decide to take cover until it blows over.
It’s pretty fascinating. Healing our wounds. Showing up for ourselves in real and authentic ways. Even when it’s scary.
I’ve been working on these particular wounds for quite some time now and to be able to bare witness to the results is equal parts exhilarating and overwhelming.
While the newness of this relationship leaves a lot of unknowns floating around (but if I’m being honest I’m feeling pretty good about the future) what I am able to ground into is the certainty that I have changed. I am available for something new and different and the reason is because I’ve create the space for that. Me. I did that.
When we are able to call in exactly what we want and then actually hold space in our hearts and our minds to receive it , well my friends, that’s just pure magic.
So no matter what happens this is a truth that remains and allows me to honor myself and my journey of relating with others.
And that feels amazing. Even when it’s scary.