Three years ago I wrote an article I published on Huff Post that got a lot of people talking.
It was all about my experience with genital herpes and how for years it affected my ability to be in relationships because the second they heard the word they jetted so fast I could see their outline in a cloud of dust, cartoon style.
As a result I’ve received tons of emails over the years from women devastated by this diagnosis.
Some messages are of inspiration and empowerment and how the article helped them get there.
Others are filled with shame and fear and pain and regret. Specifically because their partner either broke up with them and/or totally berated them when they found out.
These messages break my heart.
Well that’s not entirely true. If I’m being totally honest with myself, and you dear reader, these messages also overwhelm the hell out of me.
Sometimes these messages are in need of deep support.
But I can’t offer deep support to every person who messages me. Even thought part of me wants to.
And I know that a lot of times it’s just enough for someone to get it off their chest. But I also know that being rejected for having this STI can be super painful and triggering.
So since I can’t respond to every email I figured I’d use this platform to affirm a few things.
And if you think this article isn’t for you because you don’t have this STI then think again. There is a high chance you will engage with someone who has it.
Yes even you in a long term monogamous relationship. Because sometimes symptoms don’t come up for years or go unnoticed. I’ve seen it happen several times. Many people who have herpes don’t know they have it.
OK. So first thing’s first. And if you do have herpes and struggling please take a deep breath and read the following statement at least 3 times…
IT IS 100% POSSIBLE FOR YOU TO HAVE A FULFILLING AND AMAZING AND CONNECTED LOVE AND SEX LIFE WHILE HAVING HERPES.
It is possible to date casually with herpes.
It is possible to have a long term monogamous relationship with herpes.
It is possible to have a baby and have herpes.
It is possible to have amazing (and I do mean AHHmazing) sex with herpes.
It is possible to have group sex with herpes (have your convos and use your protections).
It is possible to have kinky sex with genital herpes.
All totally possible.
And I say this as a polyamorous woman who has been in several relationships over the past 3 years and hear me when I say this…
EVERY SINGLE PERSON I WANTED TO DATE ACCEPTED THAT I HAD GENITAL HERPES.
And this was afters years of being rejected.
Because either they had it themselves (bonus!! because then you don’t have to worry about them contracting it) or they dated someone who had it or they just get that it’s not that big a deal.
Because it totally isn’t. Not. A. Big. Deal.
The stigma is what creates the bigness. The idea that someone who has this disease is a dirty or damaged or slutty person is complete bullshit and just a symptom of our puritanical, sex negative culture.
And I say this not only from my own experiences. I say this from other people I know who have herpes and their life is sweet as pie.
Because here’s thing…. A deep breath may be helpful for this part too…
Having genital herpes may just be a way for you to degrade and punish yourself for conditioning that is embedded in your tissues and cells. It may just be a way for you to confirm a story that you are unworthy of love. A story that has been ruminating within for much longer than this STI.
Once I wrote my article and came out about it, I released so much pain and struggle. A few months later I opened my relationship and found that it was much easier to date.
What changed was me. The way I saw myself. The way I saw my body. The way I thought about this STI. Even the way I delivered the information.
I used to come from such a disempowered place of fear and shame and please still like me but now when I tell a new partner I simply do it from a place of needing to talk about getting tested and STIs.
I feel responsible and empowered. And yes, a little nervous but not like before.
And as a result I’ve attracted people who just get it. Because I get it.
I no longer need to use herpes as a way to keep myself disconnected from love. Because I am the fucking love.
I still have my moments. Like back in the beginning of the year when I thought I had a recurring outbreak.
Turns out it wasn’t that or an other STI at all. But there was a moment when I let the frustration get the best of me. It showed me where I had a bit more healing to do.
One of my favorite sex gurus, Dan Savage (Savage Love podcast is a must!!!) always says this in response to people’s calls about being rejected for having herpes. He says,
“You are telling them one thing about you and they are telling you everything you need to know about them.”
If someone rejects or berates you for having herpes they aren’t the person for you.
You my love, are a Queen or a King or a Shining Star (insert fabulous noun here) and deserve someone who will treat you with love and respect.
I don’t care if up until you told them they woke you up with sweet texts every morning and took your cat to the vet and washed your car and was the best sex of your life. If they can’t respect ALL of you then they aren’t for you.
Now there are times when it takes a person a minute to let it sink in. This happened with my husband.
When I told him he took it hard. Lovingly but hard. I was the first person he met in a while that felt like something that could go the distance (fuck yeah it was, eight years later!!) and when he found this out it was disappointing.
He started to pull away and I called him out on it.
I remember sitting in my bedroom on the floor with my head on my knees propped up against the wall. We were both silent. It sucked.
But he came around. And now he wonders why he ever made a big deal about it. In all this time he’s never contracted it and even if he did I’m pretty sure he would deal just fine.
And there will be some people who may feel more comfortable if you go on suppressive meds. That is a choice only you can make. No one has ever asked me to do that. I’ve only offered because it felt good to me at the time.
My point is. This is possible.
Now I’m fully aware of the fact that I live in a big and diverse city and I surround myself with people who are quite open minded.
But outside circumstances are often just a result of the inner shit that still needs to be dealt with.
In other words the true healing needs to come from your heart. Heal your heart and the dates, the great sex and the love will follow.
Because this is a beautiful opportunity to truly and unequivocally love yourself.
And we are all worthy of love.
Two amazing resources for navigating herpes are: https://www.lifewithherpes.com/ and https://www.instagram.com/sexelducation/