Even since my secondary relationship ended a little over a year ago I’ve wanted another one.
And with each passing month I’ve gotten more clear on exactly what that looks like.
Male, polyamorous, preferably married, with younger kids, super conscious, talented, grounded, great communicator, in touch with emotions, passionate, kinky, dominant, adventurous, loves to eat, great cook, love his job, thoughtful, great listener and sexy in his own way, just to name a few qualities.
If you think that’s a lot you should read my OK cupid profile.
But yes, in a very large nutshell this is what I’ve wanted. And to be clear I still do want this.
And yes I took my time to mourn and grieve and feel the shit out of my feelings and learn many lessons and grow oh so much. If you’ve been reading for a while then you know this.
But also there has been a piece of me that has also been fixated on meeting someone new.
Because I enjoy having a deep and intimate relationship with more than one person. I like the companionship and feeling like we are all a team supporting each other.
And since I’m not having children I’d love to date someone who has kids that I can connect with as well. This feels important to me.
Wow, I just need to point out how what I want is so incredibly unconventional and yet it feels so true and authentic. Here’s to letting go of how we think we should thrive and actually being honest with what we really want.
And so I’ve been putting myself out there since March (I took the first 2 months to chill) and have been going on dates and meeting new people.
In fact, I’ve been on 23 first dates this year. Yup. 23.
And let me just say I do enjoy dating. It’s not a means to an end. It’s a fun opportunity to get dressed all cute and get excited at the potential of having a spark with someone and just meeting a new human.
At the same time I can’t deny the fact that I’ve also had an agenda and have yet to meet someone who fulfills what I’m looking for. I came close but not close enough.
Now that’s not to say I haven’t connected with some lovely people. I certainly have. In fact I’ve been seeing a lovely Ethical Non-monogamous women for the past few months and she is a delight.
And I’ve developed some really special and intimate yet nonsexual relationships this year as well.
All of these are fulfilling on so many levels.
Yet at the same time I am still clinging to the idea that I very much want a partner to spend Saturday nights cooking dinner with. Like I did with my ex. I enjoyed our time so much and if I’m being honest I want to replicate it.
Please note I am fully aware that trying to replicate past relationships isn’t the best idea. Just being honest here!
I also want to explore more kink as it’s such a big part of my pleasure but I’m very picky with who I will dive into such intimate waters with.
And yesterday it just washed over me like the kind of wave that is forceful but doesn’t sweep you off your feet.
There are many additional relationships coming my way right now and while all of them are intimate none of them are centered around sex. Specifically sex with a man.
In fact I’ve mentioned before that I’ve only had one new sexual partner this year and that was back in July.
It just doesn’t feel like this is where my energy should be spent right now.
I mean 23 dates people. If I was supposed to find a new steady partner I surely would have by now.
At the same time I have been spending a lot more time exploring myself and my ability to give myself pleasure.
Moving into month 3 of my Tantra Mastery Program (which will lead to my Tantra Sex Coach certification starting in January) I’ve experienced so much evolution in such a short amount of time.
But I can honestly say that if I was with someone new I was gaga over that they would probably wind up taking up a lot of my time and energy.
So while as first I was going to stay off the dating apps until December I think I might expand it much longer.
Now this is a bold statement for me because I love me some OKC but I might just give myself a break for most of 2020.
Yikes. Don’t hold me to that. It feels good right now but I may get antsy and change my mind. Just saying.
I just feel like I need to pay attention to what has been coming my way lately. And for the most part it has been a lot of lovely people whom I am either not attracted to or who I am just too damn much for.
And yes, sometimes I am too much for people. That is in no way a dis to myself. I adore my “too muchness.” I’m also aware that not everyone knows how to hold space for that much fierce woman.
We can accept where we are and what is coming our way or we can bang our heads against the wall wishing it were different.
I’ve been in an arm wrestle match with the Universe for most of the year and I’m finally ready to call it a draw.
I’m ready to lean into what is right in front of me, all of which feel different and new and entirely out of my comfort zone but at the same time a lot of what I want simply presented in a way I’m not used to.
I’m ready to date myself. To be my own secondary partner. Even for a little. I know I have one hell of a powerful year coming up with this Tantra certification so I ask myself, what would it be like to actually give myself the space to really dive in and experience myself?
It’s so easy to resist ourselves. To make 1001 reasons not to just be with ourselves. That shit is scary and uncomfortable and overwhelming. But still we owe it to ourselves to sit still and simply witness ourselves in all of our messy, full, beautiful glory.
So that’s what I’m going to do.
And hey, if someone spontaneously falls into my lap I will welcome them with open arms but for now it feels good to stop looking for what I’m pretty sure if right in front of and inside of me.