Before opening our relationship, Nick and I had a LOT of conversations.
We talked about it playfully and seriously and casually and deeply. We covered all the permutations.
Starting off I was under the impression that my relationships with others would be chill and playful and deep but not all that serious.
Truth be told there are loads of ways to engage in ethical non-monogamy from just having sexual partners, to engaging with other couples as a couple, to having full blown relationships with all the bells and whistles.
And none of this should ever be assumed. In order for this all to work you MUST communicate. Clearly and often.
That’s what I love about this way of relating. It requires so much self awareness, openness and communication. It calls upon all involved to show up in big and authentic ways.
But in the beginning I had no idea what I wanted.
Because while I said I only wanted casual, as soon as I’d meet someone I would drop into relationship mode so quickly and pull whoever was with me along for the confusing and bumpy ride, their heels dragging along the cement as I yanked them by the collar.
And this happened over and over and over again.
As soon as I would have sex with someone all of my attachment fears and insecurities would surface and my desire to control all of it became more important than anything else. Including my primary relationship.
I would lose myself in a new relationship that often times wasn’t even good for me. But I didn’t really care because it wasn’t about being nourished, it was about me playing out a childhood wound over and over again.
Then I met my ex and did the same damn things. And he let me because saying no to me was his biggest challenge in our relationship. And while we lasted for a while and had many amazing experiences, it just wasn’t sustainable.
And after we broke up I set my sights on another relationship. And I didn’t find one that I could really sink my heals into. But that didn’t stop me from searching. Hard.
And while I was busy looking for the familiar relationship style that I was still very conditioned to want, other relationships were forming right under my nose.
Deep friendships that are loving and intimate but not necessarily sexual as well as connections that have been building slowly over time but have very little agenda.
All of a sudden I looked up and saw that I have some really beautiful relationships already in my life but because they didn’t feel familiar I didn’t pay as much attention to them.
But recently something hit me. All this time I have been operating with a monogamous mindset.
Even though I’ve wanted multiple relationships up until this point I’ve wanted them to look and feel very similar to what is familiar. And for the first 36 years of my life that was monogamy.
Although I dated more than one person I’d fall into a space that was codependent, controlling and at times jealous. And it was all very nuanced and tricky.
(Let me just say jealously is perfectly normal and just like any other emotion can be processed and talked through. Jealousy gets a bad rap and is often judged unfairly.)
But things are changing.
Suddenly I see myself showing up differently and wanting different experiences. I have less of an agenda and more of a desire to move slowly with communication and love. I feel more responsible for my emotions and don’t need someone else to manage them for me.
I’m rooted in my relationship with myself more than ever before. And I must say it feels wonderful.
It’s pretty amazing when we can look at ourselves and see the person we have become and are even still becoming. For me I know she has always been there and while I was busy looking for the familiar she was cultivating a really beautiful life.
Change rarely happens all at once. It’s ruminates and cultivates and drips out sometimes so slowly you may not feel it until we look around and suddenly everything is different.
From that point we have the opportunity to move forward while remaining open to all the ways new changes will continue to unfold.
As usual, my heart and eyes are wide open.