Recently I was at the gym doing a kick ass circuit I created myself.
I get into beast mode when I’m at the gym- earbuds in, Beyonce belting in my ear, iPhone tucked into the right side of my underwear.
As I’m thrusting dumbbells over my head before dropping down into a squat, I keep seeing in the mirror in front of me an old white dude eyeing me up.
Every couple minutes his eyes dart over to me.
This always annoys the shit out of me. I’m working out, let me do it without your beady little eyes creepily passing over me.
It’s one thing to glance and appreciate someones workout but quite another to become oppressive in your gawking.
I had my limit when I was at the back of the bench doing my version of mountain climbers and dude was straight up swiveled around staring at me.
I stopped in mid jump, swiped my head in his direction and looked him dead in the eye with the fiercest look I could muster.
I’m surprised his face didn’t melt off.
He immediately become uncomfortable and stopped looking.
The story doesn’t end here my friends.
Later I walk over to my husband not too far away and told him what happened more because I knew he would get a kick out of the way I handled it.
Dude saw this and felt the need to go over to my husband and talk to him about it after I left. Coward.
He asked my husband if I was his “lady” (barf) and told him what happened. He said I gave him a really intense look blah blah blah.
My husband of course stood up for me and told him yup of course I did. He said that women constantly have to deal with men gawking and preying and being creepy and he’s glad I handled it the way I did.
Dude tried to make himself look better by telling him he had three daughters and was just “looking at my workout” and that he “looks at men like that as well.” Bullshit.
What happened was dude felt uncomfortable that I was calling him out and it gave him feels he was trying to push away. Instead of simply coming up to me and apologizing or checking in he thought going to the man I was with would be the better choice.
I hate that, by the way. I hate when some men feel bad for gawking or hitting on a woman only when they realize she’s with a man. That she’s “taken.” We are not property. We are our own beings and we deserve respect whether we are solo, single, married or have 100 partners.
But I’m telling you this story because I feel like more times than not women are socialized to keep our mouths shut.
And this is for many reasons which include the threat of violence or simply feeling unsafe, the messaging we received about how “good girls” are supposed to “behave” and the shame that is often attached to use going against that grain and sometimes simply the emotional labor it takes to speak the fuck up.
I’ve never been the kind of woman who keeps my mouth shut. I’ve always stuck up for myself when I felt it safe to do so.
When someone is making me feel uncomfortable by their staring or inappropriate words or touch I will almost always call them out because keeping quiet and allowing these power dynamics to be perpetuated doesn’t feel like an option.
I’m direct, I look them in the eye and I allow either my words or my stare to leave it’s mark.
I’ve written about this before and have gotten shit for it. People have told me to calm down and stop overreacting. I got the “men being men” bullshit.
But let me say here and now…
If someone is looking at you or speaking to you or touching you in a way that feels uncomfortable to you then it is your absolute right to speak up for yourself or if that doesn’t feel safe in the moment, remove yourself from the situation if you are able to.
I absolutely understand that there are some circumstances where this is challenging and sticky, so yes this needs to be taken into account.
As women, standing up for ourselves can be such a tricky balance of remaining in our power, standing in our boundaries while also remaining and feeling safe.
It’s unfortunate that it’s such a balancing act but still, it is.
At the same time…
Fuck being polite. Fuck hurting someone’s feelings. Whatever feelings they feel based on you sticking up for yourself is up to them to manage.
Yes we strive to be kind and caring people, we strive to “do no harm” but also we need to strive to take no shit as well.
We need to honor and respect our bodies, our time and our energy.
I was inspired to write this based on a session with a client where a simple stop at a thrift store led to a creepy display from some of the employees.
It lead to an entire conversation on what it looks like to be empowered in situations like that, whether it be in our body language, our words or our gaze.
There are many ways to occupy our power while still remaining in our integrity.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this one. If you are a woman who has dealt with these kinds of situations how have you handled it? What felt good? What might you change next time?