I spent the first 5 days of the new year with the flu. Yay.
At least I think it was the flu because my ass hasn’t been sick like this in years.
The muscle aches and straight up pain all over my skin and migraine-like headaches were what pushed it over the edge for me.
It was intense. And it sucked. And I’m still recovering.
As a result of said sickness I had to cancel SO many things.
New Years day brunch with friends. Two yoga classes. Dinner and this dope group intimacy game thing with friends. My new year’s workshop. Dinner with my best friend.
Not to mention I was getting into such a rhythm with this new MMA cardio workout routine on my favorite fitness app and I couldn’t do any of it. Still can’t. Plus I haven’t taken a studio yoga class in a week. Bah!
I’m telling you. My shit was laid out.
And for the most part I accepted it. I mean what the hell was I going to do? I was sick. I’m not going to infect people and push myself and risk getting worse.
And I’ve never been one to feel bad about changing or canceling plans with friends. If they truly love them they will understand.
And I’ve been lucky and wise enough (really it’s a mix) to cultivate friendships with people who don’t make me feel bad for changing my mind or having to cancel.
But when it came to my classes, particularly my workshop, well that was a different story.
I felt SO guilty. I started to question myself and whether or not I could really just suck it up and handle it. I questioned my integrity. It was total bullshit.
But when you think about it, this is our culture. Americans tend to have a really strong work ethic. A lot of cultures do. There is this pride that comes from doing a good job even if it means we put ourselves, our health, our sleep, our relationships at risk.
This thing we do where we feel so damn good about getting fifteen things accomplished in a day even if it means we didn’t eat well or drink enough water or get enough sleep.
This idea that we need to push our bodies if it means otherwise breaking a commitment.
And when I thought about it I realized I didn’t want to push my body. Not in that way. It felt like too much.
Because pushing my body would not have felt good. Pushing my body that was sick AF would have sucked and probably made me ever more sick.
So I made the choice not to. Even though I still have these feelings inside of me pulling at the conditioned pieces of myself that tell me I should suck it up.
That’s the thing about conditioning. It’s so damn strong. It seeps all the way into our bones and our cells until we see whatever the subject is as the truth. As the only way.
But there isn’t only one way to feel about or do anything. Say it with me. There. Is. No. One. Way.
There are SO many many ways.
There are so many ways to love.
There are so many ways to be in relationship with loves, friends, family, partners.
There are so many ways to experience pleasure.
There are so many ways to have sex. (And I’m not talking positions. I’m talking about the idea that sex isn’t just this one specific act. More on that in another post.)
There are so many ways to take care of our bodies.
There are so many ways to care for ourselves.
There are so many ways to show up.
So. Many. Ways.
For example, I was on a hiking date and we were eating muffins and cheese by my favorite statue on this little cliff.
This dude freaked out at us because we were in the way of anyone who may want to take pictures.
I mean he was screaming at us. Even though we told him we would be happy to move if someone wanted to take a picture. He told us someone shouldn’t have to ask. We should just know not to sit there.
This dude thought there was only one way to enjoy the statue. By taking a picture with it. We on the other hand preferred sitting by it and enjoying conversation and a snack. Something I have been doing in this spot for years.
Neither is right or wrong. They are just our ways. Our preferences. (I mean my way was totally better. I mean come on. Juuust kidding. Kind of.)
But so many of use see things are black and white. Right or wrong. Good or bad. I think this is where a lot of our suffering comes from. What has really helped with my own liberation is realizing that there are so many ways to LIVE.
So in those moments when we feel pulled or guilty or shameful, I find it really important and quite helpful to check in and see where this shit is coming from.
Almost always there is a piece that is coming from the way I was conditioned to think and feel about whatever it is I am connecting to.
There’s conditioning and then my own triggers and limiting beliefs that come into play too. But when I can see these things and offer myself patience and compassion, when I can be with those feelings, it helps.
Dismantling our patterns of conditioning is a lifelong process. Step by step, stripping away the layers that no long have any business being stuck to us or informing our decisions.
For me, this is freedom. And indeed it is a process. One that requires a ton of patience.