I was the first one to leap off the high dive and into the unknown pool that was ethical non-monogamy.
If it was up to Nick we would have waited and talked about it for at least a couple more months.
This was simply our personalities at play. When I know what I want I charge forward with fire in my eyes and a pounding in my chest, barely looking back at what I am about to leave behind.
Nick on the other hand takes his time, has the patience of a saint and is more comfortable just letting things happen with little to no push.
The thing about this kind of dynamic is that the pusher tends to be louder and more obnoxious, which results in them getting their way more often- a quality we have worked on in therapy, with success I might add.
So yes, it was me who started things off. And that first relationship crashed and burned faster than you can say ethical non monogamy. Ok that’s an exaggeration. It lasted 1.5 months. As I said crash and burn.
Then came another relationship. Same thing. Then another. Same.
Then I met my ex. We stuck. For a while. 1.5 years to be exact.
But not because we were right for each other or because we just clicked and things were easy. They weren’t.
We were amazing in many ways (ahem sex being one of them) but our relationship was anything but easy. Tumultuous is a much better word to describe it.
We pushed and pulled and struggled our way through that relationship until that juicy, intoxicating new relationship energy and the brain chemicals that kept us in a lusty stupor wore off (at least for one of us). Then he ended it.
And as devastated as I was by the ending, I have to admit that I suffered through most of that relationship. We both did.
In fact I’ve suffered through all of the relationships I’ve had since opening my relationship.
There I said it. Boom. That shit felt good. Sometimes the truth really will set you free.
Except one. The relationship with my husband. There I thrive. We thrive. He definitely thrives.
Nick is really good at being in polyamorous relationships. He currently has a handful of lovely partners, one he’s been with for 2 years in February.
He isn’t dramatic, he communicates well, he holds space like a champ, he doesn’t share much about his interactions beyond the fun he had on a date or a sweet anecdote and I always feels primary and supported. I’m telling you the man excels.
It wasn’t always that way. It took him time to get rooted in his worth and clear some old relationships patterns he was playing out but now he’s thriving.
I on the other hand tend to get super excited about the person or persons, become anxious about how much I’m going to get to see them, which leads me to plan and obsess over all of our dates. I talk about them ALL OF THE TIME, I make bold statements about how amazing they are before I get to know them and when there are issues and trust me there are issues more than not, I talk about said issues incessantly.
Let me just say I relay this information with zero shame, a little dramatic flair and a lot of love and compassion for myself. Truly. And that my friends is a major accomplishment.
Because I now understand why I behave this way. It all makes sense.
While there are lots of factors that influence the way we show up in relationships, what resonates the most for me is my attachment wound and the attachment style I have as a result of that wound.
I have an insecure attachment style- anxious preoccupied to be exact. This leads me to be overly concerned with my relationship and worried that my partners won’t return my often times overwhelming affections.
There is often a vigilance with this type of attachment wound that comes from needing to figure out how to get love as a child and the fear that love would vanish if I said or did the wrong thing.
And I tend to attract my opposite- people with avoidant attachment styles. They often fear intimacy because they see it as a threat to their independence which leads to a lot of shutting down.
Nick by the way has a secure attachment style. He’s comfortable with intimacy, tends to be pretty balanced and comfortably loving and supportive in relationships.
Hence our relationship is balanced and lovely and when challenges arise we navigate them with the help of our therapist.
Did I mention we go to therapy?? And that it’s amazing?? True story.
Now I on the other hand am not a therapist, the information I’m sharing comes from my own therapy and research. So if this resonates I encourage you to look into attachment styles more.
I discovered all of this about a year ago and more recently my awareness around it has deepened.
Does this mean I suck at polyamory and am doomed to repeat these patterns forever?
No. I feel confident that I am healing it.
I feel a lot different these days. So much more invested in myself. I have no desire to date right now.
It feels so damn good. And different from the past when I took a break from dating but was waiting impatiently until I reached the arbitrary date I gave for myself to dive back in.
I feel more balanced, less of a desire to distract myself and more longing to be with myself. This is a result of doing my work no doubt.
But I would be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about getting sucked back into another relationship spiral.
I tend to get sucked into these delicious dances with those that unknowingly trigger my attachment wound.
But this is where trust comes in. I need to trust myself.
I need to trust that I am capable of growing and moving and changing. Because I totally am. We all are.
And the only way we will learn is by continuing to put ourselves out there. It’s scary and sometimes uncomfortable but life is but a classroom in which to learn and I my friends am taking full advantage of the knowledge.