This weekend a surprising DM danced in my Instagram inbox.
A guy I had a passionate and short lived relationship with reached out to me.
I was particularly surprised because while this wasn’t the first time I’d heard from him since we broke up in August, I thought our previous communication was going to be our last.
The last time we talked I got very clear with him that while I enjoyed him and the relationship we had, I had no interest in the engaging in the kind of messaging he was now going for. The sexting/body focused kind.
It had felt so empowering to express simply and without judgment that I wasn’t enjoying this kind of communication any longer. Especially since we had agreed back in October that we would take some time from talking and check back in Spring.
And I could do that because I didn’t see him as doing anything wrong. I just saw our intentions as no longer being aligned.
Let me just say, looking at things in this way is quite freeing. For everyone. He didn’t get defensive when I made this request because I wasn’t accusing him of anything. He simply said he wouldn’t communicate in that way any more. Perfect.
Sometimes sticking up for ourselves simply looks like conveying how we feel and what we would like to happen. These days I try to look for opportunities to communicate in this way. It’s way less dramatic and usually easy for someone else to receive.
So that was the last time we talked. It was only a month ago but I just thought that because I no longer wanted to indulge him in his style of chat that I wouldn’t hear from him again.
Then something surprising happened. He reached back out and engaged with me in the way I had told him I needed if we were to talk again.
He asked me how I was and shared some things about himself and it was a pleasant moment of simple connection. Then something even MORE surprising happened…
He apologized. (Insert mind blown emoji here)
He apologized for how he showed up when we dated. For coming on very strong and getting caught up in the chemistry of our relationship even though I tried to slow us down many times.
The thing is I didn’t blame him for this either.
He was about to have a baby (remember, I’m Polyamorous) and trying to fit in a new and exciting relationship with me. That’s a lot of have on a plate, as delicious as it was.
Plus I used this experience to connect with my own boundaries and how in situations like this I tend to let them slip and slide rather easily.
Still him owning how he showed up was huge and I accepted his apology.
This isn’t the first time this month that people I have been in relationship with have reached out to apologize and own their piece of the puzzle that created an overwhelming chaos I had to tap out of.
There’s been 3 just in January. Not to mention other people from my recent dating past reaching out to check in or say hi or because they needed some advice that they thought I could provide.
So what’s going on? If I had to guess I’d have to say it’s me. I’m what’s going on.
In these past 5 months I have been engaging in the deep medicine that is Tibetan Tantra and this month I began my certification to become an Authentic Tantra sex coach.
Shit is healing at a rapid rate. I can feel myself getting complete with so many things. I can feel my judgments releasing. I can feel myself opening up.
So much so that I’ve created a direct path for those who wanted to make amends in one way or another.
But there’s something else too. I’m no longer as tangled in the idea of someone else’s desire for me.
I love to be wanted. I think we all do in same way.
But in the past I would let someone else’s want for me determine whether or not we would move forward, regardless of what I needed at the time.
They wanted to hang out of me at this time even though I probably needed a night to myself? Done.
They wanted to date me even though I needed to take time to heal from a broken heart. No problem.
In those moments I shelved my needs to succumb to the feeling of being wanted.
Now it’s not just anyone I did this with. It was those who I already very much wanted. Those who made my toes curl and who I immediately propped up on a pedestal so shaky that it always surprised me they didn’t fall off sooner.
When these people took the stage I couldn’t take my eyes off of them and I would do whatever was needed to be with them. Even if it meant ignoring my own boundaries.
But this is changing. For the first time since I started liking people at the ripe age of 5 years old (yes five) I am unconcerned with their wanting me.
Instead I am asking myself first what I want. And right now what I want is to not date and to be in my primary relationship, go to bed early and do my homework.
And I let the guy I first told you about know this. I told him I wasn’t dating right now and even when I do begin again that I am looking for a relationship and want to focus my energy on that.
Woosh. That is the sound of relief. It felt so good to put that out there without worrying if that may hinder my chances with him. Because I remembered what I want isn’t something he can provide.
I hope all of this is landing. These feel like such subtle shifts in the way I am perceiving myself and showing up but the results feel ginormous.
But I think we do things like this all the time. We put ourselves on the back burner so we can feel loved or liked or desired. It’s ironic when you think of it. It feels like a betrayal in some ways. A delicate one.
When we neglect ourselves and our needs in order to get this it’s a strong sign that we need to regroup, take several breaths, a few time outs and reconnect with ourselves.
Because while we can absolutely be liked and loved and desired by another, they can never replace the love we can and need to give ourselves. Never.