I’ve been dedicated to healing myself for the past ten years. I’ve been on this path of healing for about 17 years but for the first seven I really had no idea what I was doing. And I definitely wasn’t dedicated.
But then at age 28 I started to see how in authentically I was living. How split I was. How everything I did was from a place of wanting to be liked and accepted.
But also I was trying to anesthetize the intense feelings of pain and anger and rejection I felt on the regular. I did this through drinking, toxic relationships of all kinds and sex.
Over the next several years I did a DEEP dive. I worked with lot of different healers, read books, dove into yoga and meditation practices and traveled extensively.
I excavated so much shit and so much pain but also experienced so much healing.
I believe this is what allowed me to attract such a wonderful, healing and loving relationship with my life partner eight years ago. I had healed enough to make space for a relationship that allowed for even more healing.
I called in a partner with a secure attachment style who was able to hold space for me as I continued to find my way. And I for him. It was a giving and receiving and for the most part the first 5 years of our relationship was grounded and loving and steady.
Then we opened our relationship 3.5 years ago and we began to see our blind spots. The places that weren’t as healthy or supportive. The spots we needed to work on.
So we found an amazing therapist and got to work. We both believe this saved our relationship. But really in reality WE saved our relationship. We did this by choosing to dive into the unknown and get into an even deeper conversation with our wounds.
In the (recent and not so recent) past I’ve lead with my wound. That part of me that is still bleeding and looking for someone to cauterize it. But instead I’d often seek out relationships that simply pushed and prodded my wound and at times even tore it open further.
Because I sought out what was familiar. What fed my particular narrative. My particular limiting believes. What fed my suffering. Even though it was excruciating at times, it was familiar and we are creatures of habit.
To some extent my current relationship was like a subtle version of this. It was stable and healthy enough for me to feel safe and to actually heal quite a bit. But with time and therapy I was able to see where my narratives were still playing out and where my wound was still lurking in the shadows.
I believe this is why as soon as I started dating again I attracted relationship after relationship that tore at my wound.
I think a lot of us do this without even realizing it. Lead with our wounds. A big sign is that we call in relationships that allow us to fall right back into those familiar patterns. Often unhealthy to some extent but at the same time serving the purpose of supporting our narratives as our wounds try to heal. As we try to get love and feel safe.
It’s fascinating when I think about it. How humans attempt to heal their hearts. But when left to our own unconscious devices we often wind up hurting ourselves further.
I’m starting to see this more clearly because I believe that the work I am currently doing is healing my wound in what feels like a different way.
And by this I mean it’s giving me enough space so I can actually understand how it operates inside of me. I can look at it and have compassion for those pieces of myself. They are not broken they are simply looking for love. Love only I can give them.
But not only do I see these pieces, I also feel a tangible shift. I feel this in the way I am showing up lately. Softer. Less combative. Listening more. More committed to myself. To my work. To getting rest. To enjoying my primary relationship. Less interested in drama.
I also think this is why I decided to take a break from dating. Because I want the uninterrupted space to work on myself without getting temped by the familiar force of those tantalizing connections that tend to cause a good deal of suffering.
So that when I do decide to put myself out there again I can hopefully attract relationships that are as loving and healthy as the one I’m in now.
I don’t expect there to be a moment where everything is “fixed” and I no longer have to do my work. The work is a life long choice I make every day.
But I do believe that major shifts can absolutely happen and they need not always be so messy or tumultuous.
Sometimes it’s as simple as turning on a switch. Saying yes to a new way of being that may be unfamiliar but is totally worth it.