My relationship with being “sexy” has evolved over the years.
For most of my twenties it was about push up bras and deep cleavage, wild hair, a flat belly and plunging necklines.
Clearly I was influenced by what was fed to me through all the outside sources pushed by capitalism and the social constructs that benefit when we feel shitty about how we look.
For so long sexy was about others. Pleasing them. Getting their approval. Their validation. Their desire. About being the most attractive and desired woman in the room.
And often times I received that validation as men hit on me, told me I was beautiful, I was “different,” I was desired by them.
But of course that never fulfilled anything real or true or deep. It served as a distraction and fed my insecurities.
And still I feel remnants from time to time of the insecure pieces of myself that seek validation. I see it play out sometimes when I post a picture of myself- wanting a particular amount of “likes” and engagement. As if that actually gives me anything other than numbers.
Most of the time I am able to simply see that piece of myself and love her. Other times I get tangled in my ego’s grip until I find a way to wriggle out.
But these pics I’m about to show you. This photoshoot. It was for ME. My joy. My pleasure. My sovereignty. My healing.
For me, pleasure, joy and sovereignty go hand in hand: In order to truly embody, enjoy and accept pleasure, which when authentic brings ample amounts of joy, we must occupy our own personal power and space.
The joy I experienced while being tied up is evident here. During this photo shoot I was photographed by a man whom I’ve engaged with sexually in the past. And I was tied by someone whom I’ve played with in this way before.
But what I love about this shoot is that while it was quite intimate and very sensual, it wasn’t sexual. The three of us danced together offering our own skills and talents and created an artistic expression that was fun, empowering and joyful.
Bondage is a kink that allows me to feel safe and connected and embodied. Those happy brain chemicals where flooding my system and I felt amazing, comfortable and empowered. I was enthusiastically consenting to the entire experiences again and again and that process alone can be very healing.
Then came the after.
The next morning I woke up with deep feelings of shame. It ricocheted off my heart like a pinball machine lighting up those pieces needing to be loved.
Despite the fact that in the moment I felt amazing, the experience still pushed on a wound and the affect was shame.
And really when you understand the origins of this style of bondage known as Shibari, it makes perfect sense. Originally Shibari was used as a way to shame and punish Japanese prisoners by tying them up in public.
And here is where it gets tricky. Shame is corrosive and rarely productive. It’s the idea not that we did something wrong but that we are inherently wrong. Ouch. That can be quite harmful.
And in the past I’ve allowed shame to harm me because I didn’t have the tools to navigate those big feelings. This is where kink can be harmful because it can retraumatize. But this time it was different.
It came on like a wave and I was able to simply feel it and breath into it. I practiced yoga, I meditated, I let it be.
Then I had a conversation with my partner’s partner. This is what helped things to shift quite effortlessly…
I had the urge to send her a few of the pics the night before (only a few hours after the shoot). After I sent them to her I felt scared that she was going to judge me but the opposite happened.
What she said was so beautiful…
Okay so the part about these gorgeous shots that I love the most is that each pose shows your consent and joy in some way. Your face isn’t turned away in shame or false humility, it’s looking directly at us with humor and joy.These photos show a woman with agency and choice. This isn’t happening TO you, it’s happening WITH you. And we’re not just “Looking”, you’re purposefully sharing.
Damn. It was like she was speaking straight to my heart. Her words hit me deep right into that piece of myself that was a little shaky in that moment.
But what I love about this is that I wasn’t expecting it. I wasn’t trying to manipulate the situation to feel safe or seen or heard. This was simply her authentic response and I able to receive it.
In the moment I read her words I thought, holy shit, she is 100% right. I couldn’t agree more.
The wave came, I let it crash over me, someone gave me a boogie board, I rode it to shore and on the other side and realized I was just fine. THIS is how we heal. We take risks, follow our hearts and open ourselves up to love and support when we need it.
I am so grateful for the ability to use my sexuality and kink and experience of my body to heal, see and accept myself. This comes from years of honing my tools to be able to do so.
It’s a process that takes a lot of authentic honesty and checking in and isn’t always comfortable but for me right now it’s just right.
And now here are the pics!! I want to encourage you to notice how you feel when you look at them. Do you feel empowered? Judgemental? Inspired? Curious? Confused? Uncomfortable? Check in and see what comes up for you. The process of witnessing someone else’s expression is a process all within itself…
