I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that a LOT of us humans right now are feeling wildly uncomfortable.
Many of us like to move through the world with the understanding we are in control of our choices and the way our lives unfold.
It’s often where our sense of confidence, pride, and empowerment stems from.
Then a sneaky and somewhat brilliant (and I say that only in the way that Voldemort was brilliant) virus comes and we realize we don’t control shit.
Well that’s not completely true. We control a few things….
We control our perspective. We control how we treat ourselves. We control how we treat others.
But that’s about it.
And really this has always been the case. Our lack of control. I’ve been sharing this lovingly with clients lately and then sit back and watch as they wrap their minds around it.
Clearly I’ve been thinking about this lately. Control.
And this is before the past few weeks exploded in our faces.
I’ve come to realize that for a good part of my life my need for control was all about feeling safe.
Honestly I think that is at the root of a lot of people’s need for control. But for now I will speak for myself.
This showed up a lot in relationships. I would often feel really unsafe because I feared that the person I loved would leave me so I tried to create conditions that allowed me to feel much better.
. This was amplified when I shifted to polyamory and started dating outside of my very secure primary relationship.
But I did this all unconsciously so it showed up quiet manipulative and ahem, controlling.
I would literally want these people who cared for me to say certain things in a certain way and show up exactly how I wanted. Good lord it was exhausting. For everyone. And although I felt momentary relief, it never filled the void of fear that sank deep in my belly.
And then the person I tried to control into loving me exactly how I thought I needed to be loved broke up with me. And it hurt like a mother fucker. And I experienced the most grief I’ve ever felt and I felt guilty that THIS was the most grief I ever felt. And then…I began to heal. And heal. And heal.
But I didn’t just heal from the breakup. The healing I’ve been experiencing lately goes much deeper than that. But I know that breakup was the catalyst and for that I am so very grateful.
When we finally come to realize that life isn’t actually in our control something really magnetic happens. We begin to trust life. I know it sounds counterintuitive but this has been my experience. And in that trust is the opportunity to release a grip that has been so tight it’s hurting us more than letting go ever could.
Because we can set up all the foundations and structures of control we want but nothing will create a feeling of safety like the one that comes from loving and seeing and hearing ourselves as deeply and truly as we can.
And while yes there are many external factors that can absolutely contribute to us feeling safe and grounded and we should absolutely engage with those when we can but when push comes to coronavirus what really matters is always always always inside.
Simply waiting. Constantly waiting. For us to see how deeply connected and loved we are.
I know you might be thinking well that’s all well and good but shit is going down and I need some basic needs met.
All I’m suggesting is that as you find ways to resource and support yourself during this time that you first find ways to calm your nervous system which will allow you to root inside. It can make all the difference.