I remember my very first orgasm.
Well let me rephrase that. I remember the first time I realized I was having an orgasm. I’m guessing there may have been others a bit quieter but this one said, Hey you! Something is happening. Pay attention.
I was 17 years old on my sofa in my living room with a guy who I had been seeing for a few weeks. He was 23 and his nickname was that of a very popular beverage that gives people life. And energy.
I remember thinking Hmmm this feels different than the other sensations I’ve experienced before. And I felt slightly out of control. Like it was happening and I knew I wasn’t making it happen. Nor could I stop it. Nor did I want to.
It should be noted that this was two years into my sexual exploration. With boys at the time. I think it’s safe to say none of us knew what the hell we were doing. There were fingers and tongues wiggling around hoping to create a reaction but not quite sure what that reaction was.
The first time I performed oral sex on my crush I remember thinking Why is it moving around so damn much? It’s like a fire hose!
Seriously. I thought that. And for real it was like a fire hose. I got bored and stopped. Or maybe I was just confused. Probably both.
Everyone found out that I didn’t finish. Songs were made. I don’t remember feeling shame even though I’m sure I did. I do remember liking the attention.
Of course no songs were made for the fact that a few months prior that same boy went down on me for the first time ever and I also didn’t orgasm. The double standards began early.
As I lay on my best friend’s carpet in her living room (clearly I liked open spaces) I was excited it was happening but also again somewhat bored. It didn’t feel like much.
Fast forward 20 years and you will find me at the peak of my sexual awakening. I was 37 years old and realizing that there was more to be discovered about my body and my orgasmic abilities.
And yes, those 20 years were filled with sex and exploration and lots of orgasms but if I’m being honest with myself (and I know that memory tends to skew things) most of my experiences weren’t about the pleasure or the exploration. They were simply about the experience.
I don’t really remember having the curiosity I have now. It was more like there were rules of engagement and we followed them.
To say that most of my most of my sexual experiences were performative would be an understatement. I loved the act but didn’t really allow for much connection. I don’t think I knew how. Not in the way I know I am capable now.
But for the past few years since opening up my relationship and exploring the world of kink, sex and orgasms took on a whole new meaning for me.
Orgasms became the premium because suddenly I realized how damn “GOOD” I was at them. I was proud of my orgasms and wasn’t afraid to admit it.
But that too is changing. In the past few months I’ve been exploring my body and my pleasure in new and fascinating ways. Taking a year long tantra sex coaching training will do that do a person.
Some of the practices I engage in are simply about exploring my vulva and what pleasure she holds. In fact for some of the practices the goal is not to orgasm.
I must say I’ve found this practice challenging because my brain is wired to link pleasure with orgasms. At least when it comes to sex.
But recently I’ve realized something…
For most of my sexual life I have always put orgasms at the finish line and the race has been to get to that finish line and celebrate as loudly and explosively as possible. But in the process I lost out on the pleasure that exists in the journey.
Especially when it comes to receiving oral sex. I would always pop right into my head, pick a fantasy that I was almost never involved in and focus all of my attention on that. Not on the person. Or the sensation.
Then I would feel an orgasm build and the explosion would happen and it would last for a few minutes (which was pretty sweet) and then it was complete.
And yes, I was totally blissed out and happy. That shit was awesome. But now I am realizing that the entire build to the orgasm can be just as amazing. Just as pleasure filled. It’s just different.
And let me just say, while we tend to hold the clitoris on a pleasure pedestal there is actually a lot more beyond it.
We tend to hold climatic orgasms up so high because they are explosive and big and bold and feel amazing but they exist in this very tiny bubble that can keep us from experiencing the pleasure that surrounds it. In other words I think most of us have no idea how vast our pleasure potential really is.
I’m starting to get a glimpse. In moments of vulnerability with myself and my partner. In experiencing sensation where there used to be numbness. In opening up and letting go and letting in.
And I’m understanding more and more how much healing lives in our ability to explore and experience pleasure. Not just orgasms. Pleasure. Deep honest pleasure.
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