Earth Shattering Sex is No Longer Enough to Keep Me Tangled in Unhealthy Relationships

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I can easily get distracted by passion. Thick, ripe, raw passion.

The kind of passion that makes me want to climb into someone and rest right in the midst of their organs and blood.

The kind of passion that feels like it resuscitates a piece of myself that was comatose or broken or bleeding.

It’s the kind of relationships heart wrenching, soul splitting songs are made from because what the hell else do you do with those kind of feelings other than sing them to the ends of the Universe.

And because this kind of passion and love has been celebrated for so damn long I had it on a pedestal covered with a protective glass shield (just like the rose in Beauty and the Beast).

The thing is that it’s really easy to ignore the pieces of a relationship that just don’t fit when there are others parts that fit so damn well. AKA the sexy ones.

Because whenever I experience passion of this caliber it is always (and this is not an exaggeration) coupled with pain and struggle and fear.

In these kind of relationships I never truly feel safe. Well that’s not completely true. The only time I feel safe is when we are experiencing sexual intimacy.

When that portion is complete I tend to grapple with the fear that it will end and they will leave and as a result I claw and grip as much as I possibly can.

I try to control my partner and get them to show up exactly the way I need them to (down to telling them what to say) so I can feel safe.

And of course this never works. I might get that feeling of safety for an hour or two like a quick fix but then go right back to my base level of worry and anxiety.

And the reason why is that this combustible chemical reaction arises when I meet someone who is my trauma counterpart. Someone who can push on my wounds just right as I push on theirs and elicit the kind of passion that only volcanoes know, otherwise known as trauma bounding.

These are such tricky feelings to manage because my immediate story is that this relationship is AMAZING and the sexual connection is always unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. Earth shattering. Mind bending. Explosive.

This kind of relationship produces an exquisite pain from wanting someone so bad that it feels electric all the way down to the bone and the entanglement that arises from never wanting to be without that captivating pulse.

So I make it my mission to make it work. Even though deep down I know it most likely won’t. Actually, I don’t think I know that at the time. My desire overpowers my truth. And that might just be and biggest pain of all.

Make no mistake this is an addiction and one that has had me spell bound for far too long.

But now I’m finally feeling the shift.

Earth shattering sex is no longer enough to hold me in the middle of relationships that push and pull me to my limits. That keep me tangled in a web of bullshit that if I’m being honest with myself is as much my doing as it is theirs.

I have no time or space or energy for that in my life anymore. Even though as I write this I can feel its pull. Not even to anyone in particular at this moment. But just to that feeling.

For so long I put that feeling on a pedestal. Not just the sex. Not just the person. The feeling.

So much so that I let it distract me from the healthiest most loving and supportive relationship I’ve ever had.

And as I’ve been digging deep and doing my work I see now that passion like that isn’t sustainable or particularly healthy for me.

But mistakenly I thought I had to let go of having that kind of amazing sex because I only saw it mutually exclusive to that kind of unhealthy passion. But what I’m learning (slowly but surely) is that this isn’t the case.

While it’s time to grieve and let go my addiction to that kind of feeling and relationship I don’t have to let go of that kind of sex. I just need to realize I can access it from a different source inside of myself. A place more resourced and grounded and complete.

I can say yes to that which allows me to thrive not just in moments of passion and intimacy but in every aspect of my relationships.

Because really this doesn’t have to do with the other. It has to do with me. My ability to see and hear and love myself.

I’m done sacrificing pieces of myself for that kind of passion. From now on I’m choosing me.