Maybe I’m just not cut out to be polyamorous.
Those words recently spilled out of my mouth as I pondered these past 5 months of not dating and simply focusing on myself and my primary (and currently only) relationship.
Because in these past 5 months I have felt so focused and connected and grounded, even with the struggles of quarantine.
My relationship feels so steady and loving and this time we’ve had sheltering in place has allowed us to experience deeper and more satisfying intimacy.
In many ways I feel so content in my relationship with myself and my partner.
So I can’t help but wonder, why fuck with a good thing?
When I first opened my relationship I dove in head first with a LOT excitement, shaky boundaries and the craving for something else.
Something I was searching for outside of myself and outside of my relationship. I’d pour all of my time and energy into these relationships and form bonds that barely had a chance to grow any roots or solid foundation.
I craved intimacy from these men who were practically strangers and avoided it in my primary relationship that has so much love and safety.
It was an itch that could never be scratched. A desire that could never be filled. A wound that could never be healed. At least not in the way I was going about it.
And let me tell you… Shit got tumultuous.
I was looking to these other relationships to fill something they could never fill. I needed to stop using these additional relationships to avoid myself and the inner child inside who needed to be seen, heard and loved.
I didn’t want to look at her. To see her pain. To be reminder of my own. I wasn’t ready to do that. So I looked elsewhere.
And as I feel myself beginning to open up once again to the idea of putting myself out to additional partners I can’t help but judge the shit out of myself.
I have been connecting with my fear of slipping into old patterns, neglecting my relationship and betraying myself but also buried beneath that rubble I can feel how much shame I have for letting any of that happen in the first place.
Shame for not knowing better. Shame for getting swept away. Shame for playing out my childhood wounds with person after person after person.
It’s a very uncomfortable feeling, acknowledging my shadows. My mistakes. But deeper in that is a desire to love myself fiercer and harder than I ever have before.
Yes, I could choose not to date anyone else. For a year. For 10. For forever. Even though my partner has 2 long term relationships and may have more, facts that I am completely comfortable with.
I could absolutely do this. And giving myself that option feels like a beautiful freedom. I don’t have to “be” anything I don’t want to be. I don’t have to identify with any particular relationship style. I can just be me.
And at the same time I give myself that space it feels like I would be making a choice because I don’t trust myself to show up differently.
And really that is just fine. But it also doesn’t feel like me.
I could also write an entire paragraph about why polyamory is so important to me. Why I love exploring with a myriad of people and how I think that relationships are one of the most powerful ways we can heal. And how living authentically and outside of the box is really important to me.
I could say how being in a moment where I don’t NEED anyone else to fulfill me but instead simply WANT to explore for the sheer delight feels like the best way to enter into something new.
This would all be true. But also it’s irrelevant.
I just don’t feel like planting my flag in any of these identities right now. Because when we root ourselves in an identity we then take on the buckets of expectation and agenda that comes with it.
It has to look this way. I have to do it that way. I can’t fuck it up.
We are going to fuck up. We are going to make mistakes. We are going to get triggered and lead with our trauma- even if we’ve done SO much work on ourselves. We are humans and it is our nature.
At the beginning of writing this I thought it was all about trust.
Trusting that I’ve got this. Trusting that if I make mistakes (and I will) that it will be ok. Trusting that I have grown.
But what I’m coming to see is that even more so it’s about forgiveness.
Forgiving myself for being human. Forgiving myself for leading with my wounds. Forgiving myself for getting swept away.
We can be SO fucking hard on ourselves. It’s so easy to look for things to feel bad about. They line up one by one giving us permission to feel like shit about them.
Ugh. It’s exhausting. And I’d love to say I’m so done with that but that would be bullshit. Because I’m human and it’s going to happen from time to time.
Right now what I’m feeling more than anything is simply accepting it all.
Accepting that I will try to engage with other partners and it may or may not work out.
Accepting that I can change my mind at any time and am not tied to one way of being.
Accepting that we are all human and as a result we will feel pain, cause others pain but also we will heal and be the impetus for others to heal as well.
This is life. And it’s beautiful.
So really the best I can do is live it. My life that is. And know that however that unfolds if just that. Me. Living me life.