What a Gift that Breakup Was…

When my ex broke up with me I was devastated. I cried for 3 months every day. Well except one day when I was hosting a retreat.

After that the tears were more like every few days. Then they came out in periodic bursts like when I heard a song that reminded me of a moment. Songs tended to crush me.

And yes I felt all of this because breakups suck but more so because I relied on him to meet so many of my needs that he really had no business meeting.

And he could never meet them as hard as he tried. And boy did he try. He really was (and is) a good guy.

But the reason he couldn’t meet these particular needs is because I had to learn how to meet them myself. They were core needs. And core needs must be met from us first.

So what a gift him breaking up with me was. I really feel that now. That relationship went on far too long and I am now so happy it ended.

What felt like reckless abandonment was actually an opportunity for me to discover all the things I had been keeping from myself. All the things I had outsourced to him and even to my primary partner.

What I have come to understand on a deeply somatic level is that I am responsible for meeting my needs. I can give this precious gift to myself.

Now I’m not saying that it’s not useful to rely on others and develop deep bonds and ask for support and establish healthy boundaries and healthy attachment in relationships.

All of these things can be so wonderful and healing and effective. But less so when we rely ONLY on the other. And in doing so we neglect ourselves.

When we try to pull it out of them and it’s never enough. That thirst is never quenched. This is when we need to look at what we are giving or aren’t giving to ourselves. What needs we aren’t meeting in our relationship with ourselves.

There are some things we just can’t outsource.

Even in my relationship with my primary partner which is so satisfying and secure and healthy and loving.It meets so many needs and I am actually able to feel that more than ever before because I am also meeting those needs within myself.

For me understanding this has been profoundly healing, empowering and liberating.

Realizing that I can give myself and best sex I’ve ever had.

Understanding that I can feel safe and secure in my relationship with myself.

And knowing that even if any of my present or future relationships end for whatever reason that I will be OK. Woosh. I feels like a big deep exhale.

This is the stuff that allows us to be in relationship with others authentically and lovingly and openly.

Because no longer are we using our relationships to prove our own worth. Then we can exist in our relationships because we know in our bones that we already are worthy. So so worthy.