I realized very recently that I do this thing. This very unproductive and ineffective thing that never gets me anywhere near where I want to be.
And in doing this wildly unproductive and ineffective thing I manage to create a lot of anxiety and stress for myself.
Curious what this “thing” is? I must say I was surprised when I realized it because well I talk about them all the time. I am also shocked I didn’t connect with this sooner.
Ok ok I’ll spill it…
Boundaries.
But not just any boundaries. My own personal boundaries. I don’t honor them. I neglect them. I stomp all over them.
But not all of the time. Only in one very particular circumstance actually.
I neglect my own personal boundaries and needs when I am attracted to someone else. In a way I trick myself into believing that from that moment on what matters most is that I get confirmation that they are attracted to me too.
Once I get that confirmation then it’s about keeping it coming. So as the relationship progresses of course the stakes get higher and I need to find more and more ways to get that confirmation which means more and more ways to neglect my own needs and boundaries.
Ok so this isn’t a complete surprise. I used to do this with my ex all the time. I often wanted to see him more than he wanted to see me so I would say yes to a hang even if really I just needed to take the night for myself.
It was a rare occasion I would say no to seeing him. In fact one of the rare times I did he was shocked. Because of course he expected me to say yes.
But this is a little different. Because I do this way more than I realized.
I delay putting up a boundary with someone I like (especially early into the relating) because I want to see what they are going to do, say feel about me. And then I let that determine what I do, say and feel.
Or if I do put up a boundary I wait for them to push on it because what better way to get that confirmation than someone pushing against that boundary.
I’m not proud of this. But I’m also not ashamed of it. At this point it feel very matter of fact.
Because I understand that in that I am trying to get a very primal need met.
And this part has layers so stick with me for a moment…
The initial need I’m trying to meet is the need to feel desired by whoever I desire. That is the confirmation I spoke of earlier.
I’m sure you’re thinking, we ALL want to feel desired by whoever we desire. And yes, of course we do. But in this case (and I know I am not alone in this) my need to be desired and wanted is actually much deeper than that.
My need to feel desired by the object of my affection is actually connected to my need to feel safe. When I can get the proof I need it quenches this thirst for safety that for far too long I have been outsourcing.
And clearly this shit never works. So instead I just keep trying to get that feeling and wind up feeling quite anxious and unsafe. Good times.
But on top of that I also skimp on my own personal boundaries as soon as I get a hint that someone likes me.
This looks likes letting things move in a direction I may not be ready to move i: like talking or seeing each other more often than I’m comfortable with, agreeing to a particular relationship status before I’m ready, having a sleep over when I’m not quite ready for that type of intimacy or ending a texting conversation like an hour later than I wanted to I actually do. Stuff like that.
And I’m sure you’re thinking having sex before I’m ready. And yes that could be an example for someone else. For me it wasn’t.
For me it was more around relationship milestones both large and very small and not putting on the breaks and setting my own boundaries. Not trusting my intuition and letting my impatience win.
I think this is why for the past 5 months that I’ve been been in my primary relationship only it has been so damn peaceful and quite lovely. Because when I do this shit it is STRESSFUL.
As soon as I start neglecting my boundaries the conflict begins. My intuition is trying to get my attention but there is something stronger at play in that moment and I very rarely listen.
So what to do with this information?
Well first I’m recognizing that I need to stop outsourcing my safety.
But also I need to pay attention to this piece of me so desperately longing for attention. She’s my inner child and she needs some love. She needs to feel safe.
And what would make her feel more unsafe than showing her I don’t actually respect my own boundaries and needs?!
So I need to show her I am capable of doing that. For her. For myself. For us.
Our inner child is a part of ourselves who’s needs were never met and as a result we play out similar experiences and relationship models in an attempt to get those unmet needs finally met. We look outside of ourselves when really we need to be looking in.
But when we can listen and connect with this piece of ourselves and show them some love, we can begin to release the narrative. We can begin to heal.
I have been questioning my ability to be in polyamorous relationships because I didn’t think I could handle it. But really it is through engaging in this way that I have been bringing up these deep wounds in an attempt to heal them. Little by little.
I see that a more clearly now and am sure more clarity is yet to come.
Layers. That is how we heal. It happens when we are ready to see ourselves and love ourselves. Otherwise we will just judge the shit out of ourselves.
I write this with very little judgement today. Sure I am like woah that’s fucked up. Because it’s pretty wild what we will do to get our needs met. But I’m more fascinated by it.
I’m fascinated and excited and humbled by the experience of seeing myself more clearly, more compassionately.
This is love. And when we can love ourselves we can heal ourselves. We can understand that we were never broken. Never needed to be fix. We just needed to be loved.