I took a break last week from posting my own stuff on social media and writing this blog to help support the effort of amplifying Black people, their voices and their messages.
And I used that time to do an even deeper dive into the places within myself where I perpetuate white supremacy and internalize racism.
And let me just say that any white person doing this right now, myself included, does not deserve a cookie, praise or validation for doing this work. This is shit that needs to happen and has been needing to happen for a very very long time.
My purpose for writing this piece and focusing for a moment on my experience is so that it may be used as an opportunity of deeper integration for other white people doing this work.
And FYI, if you are a white person, you need to be doing this work. Consider that the only time I will ever should you.
In the past few weeks of peeling back the layers of my whiteness as I uproot my embodiment of white supremacy (something that as a white person is inherently inevitable) I’ve been paying special attention to how my resistance to doing this work is showing up.
For me this is a very important part of these inquiries and the process of unlearning racism because if I can’t recognize my resistance and avoidance then I will allow it to consume me and I will stop doing the work.
I’ve seen it happen time and time again when people move through any form of transformation and THIS my friends is the ultimate kind of transformation.
Collectively our (and when I say our right here I mean white people, black people and non black people of color) identities are being shaken down to the core. Deep and powerful change will do that.
And the thing is that resistance is tricky and sneaky AF. It often looks like something so very justifiable so it’s easy to use it as an excuse. Resistance can sometimes look like illness, or forgetting, or a complete melt down.
For me my resistance to chipping away these harmful pieces of my identity as a white person looked like obsessing over every single thing that came out of my mouth, denying some of my big uncomfortable feelings because it felt selfish, needing everything to be perfect before I expressed it in fear I would fuck it up and being afraid I was putting too much on my husband and not wanting to be a “burden.”
This all felt wildly uncomfortable as I sat with it but eventually I was able to see that it was simply the piece of me that doesn’t want to do this work.
And when I dug even deeper I was able to connect with the child who is terrified of not being liked.
And yes, for a moment this looks like I’ve moved away from the focus of doing the work of confronting my own whiteness and dismantling racism but for me this is absolutely a part of the work.
So instead of ignoring or berating or feeling guilty about this piece of myself (and trust me guilt has been part of this experience) I’m looking at her. I’m talking about her. I’m loving her. Because she is me.
And if I’m going to keep doing the excruciating work that allows me show up as a true and effective ally for Black people and this collective unlearning of racism then I need to be with all the pieces of myself that may be pushing up against it. Because if I’m not my work will be disingenuous, ineffective and inauthentic.
For me this is a big part of the work.
So if you are a white person who has been feeling similarly, instead of getting caught up and tangled in your feelings and letting it distract, uproot and misdirect you, may I suggest sitting with them and letting these feelings take you deeper into this inquiry as you remain focused on the true purpose of this work.
Then take action from this place of integration where it is grounded, resourced and authentic.
I believe this is how we do our part in creating sustainable change.