It’s been almost 2 weeks since I entered back into the world of online dating. Almost two weeks since I created a brand new profile, with new pics and new words and fresh energy.
And to say I’ve been intentional about it would be putting it lightly.
For the past two months I’ve been working with a candle to help me call in “quality” relationships, I set intentions daily and before I made my profile live I set a few more.
This may seem like a bit much but I do this shit for everything I engage in. So why should something as significant as calling in a few lovely people into my life be any different?
For me intention is the arrow that directs the energy. Intention keeps me honest and reminds me of why I’m doing something in the first place. It’s so easy to just do shit but when we take a moment to connect with the why, this helps us to root more deeply into the purpose.
I make it a point to learn and grow from mostly everything I take part in. So naturally online dating isn’t any different.
In fact if nothing else it is a school in which to come into a more rooted understanding of how I relate to others. Polyamory in general has allowed me to see and experience myself more fully and to heal more deeply.
One of the big takeaways I’ve received after being back on OKC for the past 11 days (and trust me, a lot has happened in those days including 2 zoom dates and getting ghosted, twice) is that my boundaries get stronger in proportion to how safe I feel in relating to someone.
With some people (and remember, all of them are strangers) I feel guarded and need to be crystal clear that we are on the same page and that I am being heard. While with others I am happy to let things flow a bit more and trust they will work out.
At first I started to judge myself for this. I wondered why I couldn’t be more carefree and allow things to unfold organically and simply receive with my heart open.
That’s the beauty of polyamory. Some relationships may lead to long term dating. Some may lead to beautiful intimate friendships. And some may lead to something I didn’t even know was possible.
Because of this freedom I can explore and allow and trust and things can flow. Only sometimes they can’t flow. I literally won’t let them.
And it’s not because I don’t simply trust the other person. It’s that I don’t trust myself with them. I don’t trust I won’t start playing games, being manipulative and getting all tangled up in their energy.
And this tends to happen with certain people more than others. People with whom I have that electric spark. And if I’m being honest it has never happened with women, only when I date men.
We always put the “spark” on a pedestal but honestly I don’t really think it’s all that great. For me that spark often leads to a chemical attraction that has me leading with my wounds and my pussy way more than my integrity and my heart. And while I believe my pussy deserves all the pleasure she wants sometimes it’s not worth the turmoil it comes with.
So I’m a bit more mindful this time around. A bit more clear. And yes, even a little cautious. But something really interesting has been happening…
I’ve been showing up in this space of clarity and expressing that consistently and so far those who I tend to collide with are dropping out way sooner than they normally would. At first I was frustrated by that but then I realized that I don’t want to date those people anyway!
You may look at getting ghosted by 2 people you shared your number with in 24 hours as a failure and I must admit at first I did too, but now I see that these are my intentions at work.
Normally I would start seeing a person like this and the dance would begin. The problem is that we are almost never dancing the same dance. Hence the struggles.
For months (a few years even) I’ve been getting really clear on what I want and why I want it. So much so that I’ve become the embodiment of just that. And anything that isn’t in alignment is sliding right off of me.
And hey it’s too early to say if this will lead to what I’m looking for, but I have a strong sense that eventually it will. Because if this path I’ve been on for the past 17 years has taught me anything it’s that our intentions and boundaries are powerful.
They show the Universe that we value and love ourselves enough to ask for what we want and hold ourselves and others accountable in the process.
And let me remind you that I met my husband about a year after I set a paper filled with intentions for a partner on fire and dropped the ashes in the Ganges River on my very last day in India. So indeed, this shit works.
So the next time you do something, infuse some intention into it and see what’s happens. You are worthy of asking for what you want and even more worthy of getting it.