I remember about 3 years ago, I was on a first date with this guy and he asked me, rather accusatory, what was missing from my relationship that I felt the need to look for fulfillment outside of it.
If that happened now I would ask him why he was on a date with a polyamorous person because clearly he didn’t get it. But luckily I tend to weed out those who aren’t aligned with me way before we reach an in person date.
There’s often this idea that when a couple chooses to open their relationship it’s because they are unhappy in some (perhaps subconscious) way. That there are needs that aren’t being met and as a result they become ethically non-monogamous as an attempt to “fix” a part of their relationship.
And sometimes yes, that’s the case. I’ve seen it happen. I’ve been an intimate part of watching a long term relationship crumble in the face of polyamory.
It was heartbreaking and confusing to be a part of a relationship ending and wondering if I was the reason.
What I’ve come to understand is that relationships end for all sorts of external reasons but ultimately the true reasons are rooted in something much deeper. So really what something like polyamory does is expose the cracks and weaknesses. From there it is up to us to do the work to reach the root and heal the foundation.
And it sucks that this is often the only stories we hear about. The ones that chose to end. And it sucks that those ending are often seen as negative. Just because a relationship ends doesn’t mean it was a failure. Not all relationships are meant to last forever and nor do they have to to be considered a success.
There are LOTS of ENM and polyamorous people who are straight up THRIVING. Hello. You are seeing to two in the picture above right now.
My husband and I have been polyamorous for 4 years and I can easily say that we are in the strongest, happiest, most aligned and most sexually fulfilling space in our relationship we have ever been.
Initially that wasn’t the case. I used polyamory as a way to dance with my wounds and replay unhealthy habits at first. At second too if I’m being honest.
I put my relationship on the back burner because the pull of the new was so strong, so alluring.
There were things I was absolutely looking for outside of my relationship. But I was also looking for them outside of myself. So I was never going to find them. Not in a shiny new person and not even in my grounded and supportive relationship.
I needed to go in. We both did. We started going to therapy. We did the work. And the work was often uncomfortable and even painful. But we moved through together and created a stronger more steady foundation than we ever had before we opened our relationship.
For the first 5 years we were happy. We were chill. We almost never fought. But that didn’t mean we didn’t have cracks because we absolutely did. It took polyamory to bring those to the surface so that we could heal them.
But still I can confidently say that we chose polyamory because deep down it was what felt right for us.
And yes the first couple of years were bumpy but here we are now. Strong. In love. Supportive. Committed. After nine years of being together.
It is from this place I am stepping back out into consciously bringing additional partners into my life. Partners who I hope will contribute to an already abundant and loving tapestry.
Because love is the premium. Always has been. Always will be.